


Abandoned

by The_Mad_Lost_Girl



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Angst, Captain Hook's daughter, F/M, Fluff, Neverland (Once Upon a Time), Peter Pan | Malcolm is not Rumplestiltskin | Mr. Gold's Parent, Romance, no y/n
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-20
Updated: 2021-02-19
Packaged: 2021-03-11 01:08:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 25,984
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28186647
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Mad_Lost_Girl/pseuds/The_Mad_Lost_Girl
Summary: Captain Hook's daughter gets left behind in Neverland. She doesn't understand why. It has to be a trick or an evil plot of that demonic boy, Peter Pan. It has to be! Her father wouldn't leave her all alone at the mercy of Pan and his Lost Boys...would he?
Relationships: Peter Pan | Malcolm/Original Female Character(s), Peter Pan | Malcolm/You
Comments: 2
Kudos: 47





	1. A Cruel Trick

It started as it would end, on a beach.

My whole life revolved around the ocean. Ever since I was born I have known nothing but the sea. I learned to walk on a rocking ship deck. Sea shanties lulled me to sleep at night. Monstrous storms scared me under the blankets of my bed. I learned how to steer a ship and tie a knot before I ever learned how to read or write. My blood was saltwater and my life was an endless adventure among the seas with a pirate crew.

Not just any pirate crew mind you. The fearsome buccaneers of the Jolly Roger led by the infamous Captain Hook. Of course I knew him as papa. I was a surprise to him and mama but they raised me well until mama died. Then it was just me, papa, the crew, and the ship. It was a good life up until papa decided to travel to Neverland.

Oh Neverland. It sounded like such a dream when he described it to the crew. Now we had been stuck in the realm for years forced to do the bidding of the island’s ruler. That arrogant and cruel imp that called himself Peter Pan. I disliked him immediately. Years passed and it was soon realized that we had been more brought to our torment then our paradise. Nothing but endless days sitting out in the bay with nothing to do but go stir crazy outside of when Pan made us run tasks.

The most interesting thing we ever got to do was go ashore for provisions. Now, you would think being the pirate daughter of the deadly Captain Hook would lend me to more important tasks. But, from the moment we had landed in Neverland papa had made it very clear that the island was a dangerous place that I shouldn’t venture alone. He kept me from leaving the ship most of the time. I think it’s because the first time I went ashore we ran into Pan and his horde of Lost Boys. Pan had a peculiar interest in me when we met that papa did not like. Hence, I was never allowed to go to the island by myself.

Today that had changed. Maybe he could sense that I was going stir crazy on the ship and wanted to give me a respite. It would be nice to get away from all the scabby pirates and rocking of the waves for an afternoon.

Papa gave me a row boat and set me off to grab some fresh water from the island. He assured me that the fairy, Tinkerbell, would be waiting at the shore to escort me. When I got to shore though, no one was there. I thought maybe I was early or in the wrong place so I wandered and waited yet still nothing.

I could not wait around all day and so went to grab the barrel for the water. As I tried to heave it out of the boat I noticed it was much heavier than I was expecting. I opened it up and saw that it was full but not of water. These were my clothes and my books and other various knick knacks and souvenirs I had acquired over my life. What were they doing here? Shouldn’t they be in my room on the ship? Was this a prank papa and the crew were playing on me?

I looked up over the horizon and could not spot the Jolly Roger. Had papa moved the ship? I closed the lid on the barrel full of my possessions and ran along the coast of the island searching for the ship. I climbed to the top of Dead Man’s Peak and looked out but the ship had vanished. Where...where had it gone? Why had it gone?

Dread started to set in. This had to be a mistake. A trick. An illusion. That nasty Pan must be playing a joke on me. He has to be. The ship is still out there it has to be. It all has to be a prank.

“You seem lost.” The voice behind me made me jump. I whirled around with the sword at my hip now drawn.

Peter Pan.

“There’s no need for all that, Lady Jones.” The demon boy leader grinned at me. “Please, let us be civil.”

“I don’t think it’s a good idea to be civil around you.” I sneered. I glanced at the sea. “Is this your doing? Hiding my father’s ship from me?”

“I have done no such thing and frankly I resent the remark. For what reason would I have to hide your father’s ship from you?”

“To torment me.” I kept my blade level with his face. “I am not so ignorant to your games and tricks, Pan. If you think hiding his ship from my view will stop me from getting back you are mistaken.”

“Does this not at all strike you as suspicious?” He asked, leaning against the mountain face. “You are barred from coming to the island alone for years, then one day out of the blue you are sent here by yourself?”

“I’m strong and I can handle myself. My papa knows this. He trusted me with getting fresh water for the crew.” I bit back.

“You? One person was supposed to take that big barrel and fill it with water and carry it back out to your little row boat? That is at least a two man job and you thought that you were going to be able to do it all on your own?”

“I’m stronger than I look. Besides, he said Tinkerbell was going to--”

“Tink?” Pan laughed, “I know for a fact that pirate hasn’t said a word to her in months.”

“You’re lying.”

“What do I gain by lying to you?”

“You’re trying to trick me! That’s what you do!” I started to back away, keeping my sword and gaze aimed at Pan. “Now I am going to go back down this mountain and this had all better be sorted.”

“I fear you’ll be gravely disappointed then.” Pan sighed. “But I’ll let you go for now. See how long it takes for reality to set in.”

In the blink of an eye Pan had disappeared. I sheathed my sword and raced back down the mountain and back to my boat. This was all just a trick. A joke. It was. It had to be. Papa would come for me when it started to get late. He has to.

I waited on the shore staring out over the horizon until the sun started to dip over the waves. It was sunset. Where was papa? Surely he had to notice that something was wrong. He had to. I need to calm down. I’m fine. I know what to do.

I went into the jungle and started gathering some branches to start a small fire. That way when the sun goes down and if papa still hasn’t made it here he’ll see the fire and know where I am. As I was gathering sticks though Pan’s words started to echo in my head. This all was rather suspicious in a way. Any time someone went to the island it was always in pairs of at least two. Then there was the matter that all my possessions were stuffed into the barrel. Why would anyone do that? What sort of prank was that supposed to be?

Now the ship was gone and the sun was setting and I was all alone for the first time in my life. But I for the life of me couldn’t think of why papa would leave me here if it wasn’t for Pan barring him. I’d be okay though. I’m the daughter of the fearsome Captain Hook! I could survive one night on Neverland by myself.

I sat down by the fire I made and munched on some berries I had also gathered while scavenging for firewood. For as horrible as this place was it was rather beautiful. Looking out over the inky black sea with the crescent moon reflecting across the rippling waves. It was so strange to look over the sea from the land.

I fell asleep next to my fire and when I woke up in the morning the ship was still missing from the waves. “Papa…” I whispered in fear and horror. Where is he?

“Good morning,” I turned and saw Pan sitting in the sand poking at the remnants of my fire from last night. “I was wondering when you were gonna wake up.”

“Get back.” I reached for my sword and froze when I didn’t feel it in its sheath.

“Yeah, I didn’t appreciate you waving it in my face yesterday.” Pan stabbed my sword into the sand next to him. “Now maybe we can have a civil conversation.”

“I have no interest in talking to you!” I reached for the dagger strapped to my thigh and groaned. I glared at Pan and he waved the small blade at me.

“I’m honestly surprised you don’t have a pistol but am otherwise glad that was one less thing I had to sneak off you.” Pan shrugged. “Did father dearest never teach you how to shoot?”

“Go away!” I grabbed a nearby rock and chucked it at his head. “Leave me alone!”

“Don’t take your anger out on me. I’m not the one that abandoned you.”

“No one abandoned me.” I shot to my feet. “You’re hiding the ship and papa from me. Now undo it!”

“I am not hiding anything. I’ve already told you.” Pan dropped my dagger next to my sword. “You don’t see the ship or any of the pirates because they’re gone. They left. They abandoned you here and they’re not coming back.”

“You’re lying!” I grabbed my sword and dagger. I started pushing the rowboat I had arrived in back into the sea. “If you won’t reveal the ship then I’m just gonna row out until I find it.”

“You’re gonna be rowing for eternity then.” He appeared in the blink of an eye now sitting in the boat. “They’re not out there. You can circle this entire ocean for the rest of time but you will never find the Jolly Roger. It is not here.”

“It is here. You’re just trying to keep me from it. You’re tricking me for your own sick pleasure!”

“Deny it all you want but the facts are against you.” He popped the lid of the barrel off and fished around in my things. “Clothes, books, compass, a pocketwatch, seems your entire life can fit into one barrel. That’d be impressive if it wasn’t so sad.”

“Stop rifling around in my stuff!” I jumped into the boat and slammed the lid back down on the barrel and snatched the pocketwatch out of his hands. “It’s just a prank the crew is playing on me.”

“Wow.” Pan shook his head, “You are so deep in denial I think you’re starting to believe yourself. Delusions won’t do well for you, Lady Jones. Best to just accept the grim and heartbreaking reality that you’ve been abandoned by the only family you’ve ever known and try to move on.”

“Whatever sick mind game you think you’re playing--”

“No games,” He grinned, drawing closer so he was nose to nose staring me down. “I’ll leave you be, see how long you can hold out before you accept your predicament. I wager you’ll last maybe a week before that stubbornness finally breaks.”

I shoved him hard and he fell back into the shallows of the shore. I stood above him my blood up and my fists clenched. “You will never break me.”

“Break you?” He started to laugh and the noise sent a tremor of danger through my bones. “I don’t want to break you. Oh no, why would I ever want to extinguish that red hot fire you having burning inside you? I don’t want you broken, my little spitfire. I want nothing more than to add wood to the fire. I want to see how hot you can burn.”

What in the world did he mean? Before I could ask what he was on about he disappeared again. Fine, at least he’s gone now. I can…

I looked down at the floor of the boat and nearly screamed. He took the oars!

I pushed the boat back onto shore and strapped my weapons back onto my person. If this was the game Pan wanted to play then so be it. I would need to find a better source of food if I was going to be stranded here longer. Whenever Pan was done with this idiotic game then he was going to have a lot of angry pirates after him I knew that much.

I stared down at the pocketwatch still in my hand and clicked it open. The hands had been stuck at the same time since we got to Neverland but still it ticked for some reason. On the inside was an inscription. A favorite saying of papa’s that he always wanted me to remember. _**Those unwilling to fight for what they want deserve what they get.**_ “Well, I’ll keep fighting. I will always keep fighting, papa. I’ll fight until I find a way back to you.”

The rest of the day I spent foraging for food and keeping a weather eye out for any sign of the ship or the crew. I started a fire and stared out over the sea as night fell. Surely someone would come by tomorrow. Someone would come.

The next day was more of the same. I pulled out one of my books to read during the dull hours of nothing that made up my day. Pan did not show up at least. I don’t know whether that is better or worse.

Another day and I decided to build a small shelter in case it ended up raining. Nothing special. Just some sticks tied together and lots of fronds to create a roof over my head. No rain came but I felt like I got something accomplished during my wait.

I spent the entire next day walking the shore of the island. I made a lap around it twice before I started to get hungry and retired to the jungle to hunt down some food. I spotted some of the Lost Boys from a distance but none of them approached me. I realized that I hadn’t spoken to anyone since I pushed Pan into the water.

None of my books were holding my interest and practicing with my sword was frustrating. I went for a swim and let the familiar rock of the ocean ease my mind. I hummed an old lullaby papa used to sing to me when I was a child. I would give anything to hear his voice. I would give anything to hear the hoarse sea shanties the crew would sing. I ducked my head under the water so the tears couldn’t roll down my face.

The temporary shelter I made on the beach was now a small hut. There was more room inside for me to store my books and other belongings. That night I could hear music coming from the jungle and it sounded so inviting. I laid in my hut unable to move in fear of what that could mean.

A week had gone by and still Pan had not tired of this game. He said he would give me a week till I broke down and accepted that I had been abandoned. I held my little bunny toy close to my chest and reminded myself that Pan is a liar. Pan is a liar. Pan is a liar. Papa will come for me. I know papa will come for me.

Two weeks. I tried to find Tinkerbell but the fairy was well hidden in the jungle. I was desperate for someone to talk to. The music at night grew louder and louder to the point my crying was the only thing that could block it out.

Pan visited me after a month. He sat down with me as I cooked myself dinner. He offered to take me back to his camp for a better meal but I declined. I needed to be here in case one of the crew came looking for me. When I looked back at him I could see pity in his eyes. It made me sick.

Tinkerbell came upon my camp one morning and asked what I was doing here. I told her about how papa had sent me to get fresh water and then how Pan made the ship disappear. I could tell she wanted to say something but she didn’t. She invited me back to her treehouse for tea and I nearly cried with joy. Finally, some real human interaction.

I am talking a mile a minute as Tinkerbell leads me through the jungle towards her treehouse. After over a month of having no one but my bunny toy to talk to I couldn’t get the words to stop flowing out of my mouth. If she thought it was annoying she didn’t say anything.

We climbed the long ladder up to her treehouse and she sat me down as she made a pot of tea. It was bitter and scalded my tongue with how fast I drank it. Nothing had tasted better.

“So, you’re Hook’s kid.” Tink nodded at me. “Gotta say I’m surprised. He talked about you of course but he never gave me any details.”

“I’m not surprised. Papa likes to keep things close to the chest even with those he trusts.” I gripped the mug a little tighter, “I guess it has something to do with being a pirate.”

“And you say it’s been over a month since you saw him last?” Tink asked.

“Yes. I came ashore to grab fresh water and when I turned around the ship was gone. I figured Pan was keeping it hidden with some kind of cloaking spell and blocking the crew from leaving the ship but it’s getting to be so long now.” I stared down into my mug. “All my possessions on the ship were in the boat with me when I sailed out and I don’t know how to justify it anymore.”

“Hey kid,” Tink scooted over to the spot next to me and put an arm around my shoulders. “Are you gonna be okay?”

“I have no idea.” I sniffed, “I hear music at night coming from the jungle. It scares me. It scares me cause I want to follow it. I try to remember things but they keep slipping away before I can grasp them.”

“That’s the curse of the island. You stay here long enough and you start to forget. The past, your life, even the things that seem ingrained in your soul fade away.”

“But I don’t want to forget. I want to go home. I want to go back to the ship with the crew and papa.” Tears started to leak from my eyes, “I don’t want to forget anything.”

“I’m afraid there’s no way around it. If you’re hearing the music then there’s really not much you can do.”

I started crying harder. Tinkerbell didn’t say a word as I wept and wailed. Everything was slipping away from me and I couldn’t do anything to stop it. I tried to recall the faces of everyone on the ship but they’re blurry. I could only remember specific things like scars and tattoos. Even names wouldn’t come easily. I thought of my father and tried to burn his image in my head. What color were his eyes again? Green? No, blue! Maybe?

I apologized to Tinkerbell for breaking down like I did. I was stronger than that. It was just that after a month of having no one to talk to and wondering if my father was ever going to come rescue me I was in a fragile place. She did not begrudge me my grief and walked me back to my hut on the beach.

The sun was setting and soon it would be night. The music would come again. I know it would. Inviting and terrifying at the same time. Tonight it would stop though. It’s another trick of Pan’s. A ploy to get me to break. If I can stop the music then I can stop forgetting.

Night fell and the fire I had made was now only glowing embers. I stared into their warm dimming light when the first notes of a haunting melody floated through my ears. I lit a lantern and stood up staring into the dark jungle. It was time for the music to end.


	2. Doubt Comes In

It felt like I was walking into a trap as I ventured into the jungle in search of the music. For days it had been calling out to me, bidding me to follow it. Now here I was doing just that. I tell myself I’m doing this to end the music. If I stop the music then I’ll stop forgetting. Simple as that.

The deeper into the forest I went though the more my confidence wavered. The music was getting steadily louder and more hypnotizing. My steadfast march turned idle like I was taking a leisurely walk. The grip on my sword slackening. I hadn’t even realized I sheathed it again until the music suddenly stopped.

My senses started to return and panic began to set in. I was in the middle of the jungle in the dead of night with no recollection of how I got there or how to get back to my hut. How could I be so careless? I’m smarter than this! Okay. Deep breath. Don’t panic. All I needed to do was start backtracking. I must have left a trail, I just needed to find it.

If I did that though then what would have been the point of me coming out here in the first place? I came out here to stop the music for good. It must have stopped because I was close. I needed to keep going. With a deep breath I turned back around and searched high and low for anything or anyone that could be playing the music. Not exactly easy since everything was shadows.

“There in the field stood a flower rare. Its petals bright with beauteous flair. Along came a bee buzzing through the air. And sat on the flower without a care.” A voice in the shadows spoke and from them emerged Pan, “Then the flower closed and became a snare. The moral of this story I now will share. Even pretty things can cause a scare.”

“Aren’t we a little old for nursery rhymes?” I wrapped my hand around the hilt of my sword.

“Never.” He grinned.

“Is it you?” I asked, “Are you the one that makes the music every night?”

“Oh, so you can hear it. Good. You never moved from your camp on the beach so I was wandering if you could yet. How long have you been able to hear it?”

“A few weeks. Why?”

“And you held out this long. Gotta say, I’m impressed.” He pulled a set of pan pipes off his belt. “These are enchanted. Only certain people can hear the music when I play it. The music itself has interesting side effects.”

“What people? What side effects?”

He brought the pipes up to his lips and played a short tune. Immediately the melody wrapped around my brain and the world around me softened out of focus. When he stopped I blinked as if waking from a daydream. He smiled at me.

“The music attracts those that feel unloved and unwanted. It softens the heartache of such a sad life, erases all the bad memories. All you have to do is let it in.”

“But I--I’m not--I’m not unloved or unwanted! I don’t want my memories erased!”

“If you can hear the music then I have to say different. Ever since your father left you’ve been spiraling further and further down. Wondering when he’s gonna come for you. Holding onto a useless hope that you’re ever gonna see him again. But you know the truth, don’t you? All the evidence adds up but you’d rather hold onto a childish hope than accept it.” He circled me like a beast of pray. Even in the dim light of my lantern I could make out the wheels turning in his head. “You’re lost, spitfire. So helplessly lost.”

The flame of my lantern blew out casting everything into darkness. I drew my sword listening for any snap of a twig or breath of air that indicated he was near.

“Boo.” His voice whispered in my ear.

“Raaah!” I swung and my blade hit another. Pan had blocked the hit with a dagger.

“Quick reflexes, swordfish. But mine are quicker.” He disappeared again.

“Come on out and face me like a man you codfish!” I shouted.

“Who wants to be a man? Grown ups have such little fun.” I tried to pinpoint his voice but it seemed to echo from all directions. “But us, the young blood, we can make games out of anything. Just like we are now.”

“This isn’t a game, Pan.” I growled. “If I get the chance I’ll run you through.”

“No you won’t. Want to know why?” My lamp flickered back to life and Pan stood before me just inches away from the tip of my blade. “Because you’re having fun.”

I lunged the sword at him and he side-stepped it with ease making me stumble forward.

“There is such fire and fight in you. It’s been bottled up and suffocating on that ship. Now you’re free.” He kicked me to the ground. “Free as you are, you still don’t know what to do with yourself. My poor little Lost Girl.”

“I’d rather tie boulders to my bootstraps and throw myself into the mermaid lagoon before I became part of your dumb crew.” I spat, shooting back to my feet. “I came here to stop that infernal music and I plan to just do that. Either by destroying those pipes or by killing you. I don’t care which.”

“The only way you’ll destroy these pipes is if you pry them from my cold dead hands.”

“Then I guess that only leaves us with one option.”

“I suppose it does.” He grinned wider. Like the prospect of dying was thrilling to him. “To die would be an awfully big adventure. I look forward to it. The first move is yours, swordfish.”

With that he was gone.

That bilge-sucking, arrogant, underhanded, codfish! This was not some game! What was it going to take to get that through his thick skull?! Maybe a knife to the eyesocket. I gathered my lantern from the ground and turned around. The path I had taken here was much clearer than it had been earlier.

Another trick of Pan’s.

I came here to stop the music and I think I may have just made things between Pan and I worse. Before he left me alone but now he thought there was fun to be had with me. A part of me wanted to continue my mission and charge further into the jungle until I hunted down Pan again and fight till the last breath. The more rational part of me told me to pick my battles carefully.

I turned around and took the path back to my camp. I would deal with Pan tomorrow after I had devised a new plan.

Storming his camp wasn’t a good idea for multiple reasons. One, I didn’t know where it was. Two, even if I did know where it was the Lost Boys would outnumber me twenty to one. My only hope was to get him alone but I didn’t know when that could be. The only time I’ve met him alone is when it was on his terms. He had either drawn me in or showed up on his own. If I wanted the upper hand I’d have to take him alone and by surprise.

For that to work though I’d have to know his pattern of movement. He has to have one. There’s no way he’s around Lost Boys all the time. But to learn his patterns I’d have to track him down and try not to be detected while I spied on him. That in itself was another headache seeing as how he could appear and disappear in the blink of an eye. I could be tracking him for hours and then he’d blink away to the other half of the island and I’d have to track him down again.

Maybe a betrayal? Pretend to want to be part of his camp and get him when his guard is down. No, that wouldn’t work either. Not only would Pan’s trust take too long to obtain but if I started acting nice now he’d know I was planning something. What am I supposed to do?

At the very least I should find out where his camp is. I don’t know if he moves it but I can’t see why he would since there are no enemies on the island. None except for me. I don’t see him moving his entire camp because I came upon it though.

In the morning as the first light of the sun started to creep up over the horizon I gathered my things and ventured into the jungle. I had no idea how long it may take but I wanted as much time as possible before any of the Lost Boys woke up. I didn’t know a lot about Pan and his Lost Boys outside of what papa and the crew mentioned but I did know that they stayed up very late. So early morning was probably not their friend.

I was hiking through the jungle for maybe a good two hours before I noticed paths naturally leveling out around me. Well worn, some even had fresh tracks in them. I was getting close to the camp. I followed along the path until I noticed a break in the dense forest of trees. Sticking to the morning shadows and creeping as quietly as I could I got closer. I stepped over a tripline and scanned the ground for any other traps or alerts that may have been set up.

This was it, Pan’s camp. Lost Boys were abundant and all soundly asleep either in tents, swinging in hammocks, or passed out on the ground. The remains of what looked to be a bon fire sat in the middle of the camp. I crept around the perimeter searching the faces for Pan’s but I couldn’t spot him. Was he in one of the tents?

Best not to go looking. I knew where the camp was now, that was enough for today. I should get out of here before the boys wake up. I made not of the way to get back as I retreated to my own camp on the beach. Maybe if I can find Pan while he and the boys are asleep then I could get him. It was bad form to attack someone while they’re sleeping but this boy had already taken so much from me. I didn’t care about bad form anymore.

I hunted down some breakfast on my way back to my camp and sat down to relax. I stared out over the ocean praying that I would see the Jolly Roger come sailing out over the horizon. As long as I watched though it remained the same.

I pulled out my pocketwatch and clicked it open again, listening to the metronomic ticking sound it issued. He has to be coming for me. He has to.

The next few days I spent getting up early before any of the boys awakened and hiking back to scope out the camp. No matter how many times I went or how hard I looked I could never spot Pan among them. Did he sleep somewhere else? Why? Wouldn’t he want to be with his camp in case of an emergency?

This was useless. I wasn’t gaining any new information and it was clear that Pan wasn’t here. I’d have to think of something else or else try to find where he does rest his head if not in his camp. With a sigh I turned around back towards my own camp and check the traps I set. I never had much use for snares on a ship but I was thankful that papa taught me now. Not a whole lot of wildlife was on the island outside of birds, frogs, snakes, and a whole lot of bugs. There were some boar but they were very inland so most of my food came from fishing. Hopefully something good had taken the bait I put out.

I checked the traps and felt my stomach constrict when they turned up empty. I guess it was berries for breakfast...again. I never thought I would miss cook’s dried herring jerky so much.

I grabbed a pouch and wandered back into the jungle. I was trying to forage for more than a handful of berries when I felt a small chill go up my spine. Someone was watching me. I slowly reached for my dagger and turned around.

Pan was standing behind me looking bored. “Really?” He gestured to the dagger I had aimed at him, “Aren’t we past this yet?”

“What do you want?”

“Hungry?” He held up an apple. “Probably more filling than a handful of berries.”

“And the price?” I raised an eyebrow.

“No price.” He tossed me the apple and I caught it. “I figured you might be hungry.”

“What brought on this unexpected generosity?” I cut off a slice with my dagger. “Hoping to get on my good side?”

“What if I am?” He pulled out another apple for himself. “Would that be so terrible?”

“Wasn’t it a couple of nights ago that you looked forward to me trying to kill you? Why would you want on my good side? Doesn’t that ruin your little game?”

“Can’t play the game if you die of starvation.” He shrugged. He knelt down next to me studying me from a distance. “Also, seeing as how you won’t make a move in this game I’m getting bored.”

“You don’t know what I may be planning, Pan.” I don’t even know what I’m planning.

“Oh no, I know what you’re planning. Isn’t it bad form, even for a pirate, to do someone in while they’re sleeping? Very bad form, Lady Jones. I’m a little disappointed really.”

“I--” There’s no way he could know that! “How did--”

“You’re up at the crack of dawn every day scoping my camp. You’re more than welcome to come by at a normal time for people to be awake if you’d like. We have plenty of food to share.”

“You knew?!” I fumed. I thought I had been so quiet and clever! No one had ever spotted me. No one had ever been awake. How could he have possibly have known unless... “The reason I never saw you sleeping…”

“If it makes you feel any better it was an accident that I came upon you that first day. I woke up earlier than I expected and saw you skirting the perimeter of the camp. I thought about scaring you or something like that but I wanted to see what you would do. Then you didn’t do anything and that was boring.” He groaned with a great roll of his eyes, “The next day and the day after that you kept coming back and not doing anything. I left out food close to the perimeter to see if you’d try snagging it but you didn’t. I never would have thought the daughter of pirates would be so frustratingly cautious. Shouldn’t recklessness be part of your blood or something?”

“I’m not dumb enough to charge into situations and conflicts blind. Reflexes and being able to adapt to a tough situation are one thing, researching and planning is another. I’m not in an immediate life and death situation so I prefer to be methodical.”

“Life and death, huh?” He turned the apple core over in his hands. “Let’s test that, shall we?” He chucked the apple core at my head. I ducked out of the way just in time.

“What was--” He charged at me with his dagger and I rolled out of the way. It was too early for this!

“Come now, spitfire!” He grinned like the devil, “Life and death situation, what are you gonna do?”

“I’m going to kill you is what!” I pushed to my feet and unsheathed my sword.

“Sword versus a dagger?” He asked as I took a swing at him, “Isn’t that a little unfair?”

“Coming from the boy with magic.”

“I’m not using magic now.” He teleported behind me and prodded his dagger at my back, “But thank you for reminding me.”

“Don’t.” I thrust my blade behind me making Pan jump out of the way. “You know if any real harm comes to me then my father will have your head.”

“I doubt that.” He scoffed. The dagger in his hands grew until it was a sword the same size as mine. “Do you still believe he’s coming for you?”

“I know he is.” We moved over the terrain of the jungle fighting blade to blade. The metallic sound echoing over the otherwise quiet island. The area around us grew more open and the ground softer as we stepped out onto the beach. My footing was less sure here but then Pan’s had to be too.

“You really do not want to face the truth do you?” Pan sighed. “He left you, swordfish. Your rum drunk father left you here to rot.”

“No! You’re lying!” I let my anger fuel me as I started to regain ground and go on the offensive.

“I’m not.” Pan blocked my attacks with a frustrating ease, “You wanna know how I know that he isn’t coming back for you? How I know he abandoned you here?” He twisted my blade around and knocked it from my hands. “He left because I told him to.”

“What?” I stared down the sheen of the blade he had pointed at me.

“I told him that if he abandoned you here on the island then him and the rest of his crew could go free.” Pan said.

“No.” I shook my head, “It’s another lie. You’re trying to trick me.”

“No tricks here, swordfish.” He held up his hands and the sword shrunk back to that of a dagger that he put on his hip, “I swear on my life. I came to him with an offer. A trade: you for freedom.”

I tried to go for my sword but Pan kicked it further away. My hands fisted into the sand. “Even if you are telling the truth why would you want me?” I demanded “You could have asked for anything. Why me?”

“Well at first it was because I thought that it would be funny. Hook giving up his precious daughter would cause him the most pain after all.” Pan chuckled, “But then I imagined how much fun it would be having you around. I only ever got to meet you once but you had such fire in you. Needless to say I was not disappointed. I am having so much fun with you.”

“Cause that’s what it always comes down to with you.” I said, “Everything is a fun game. You might think that but I sure don’t! These mind games you play are not fun and I will not give into them. You really think I would believe that my own father would trade me away to someone like you?”

“You should. Cause he did.” Pan looked past me further down the beach where my camp was set up. “I never thought that he’d actually do it but I guess I shouldn’t be too surprised. Adults are so disappointing, especially parents. Selfish enough to sell their own children off to make their lives easier.”

He spoke with a malice that bordered on vengeful. I think that was the first time I had ever seen him look truly angry. As quickly as it came upon him it left to be replaced with his cocky smile. “Consider yourself lucky. You could have ended up somewhere much worse than here.”

He waved his hand and a sack was now in his hands. He tossed me it and I almost fell back with the weight. Inside was a variety of food. “Since you’re too stubborn to come to the camp for food this should last you a couple of days. Have a nice morning, Lady Jones, think about what I’ve said.”

Then he was gone again.

I took the sack of food back to my camp and happily munched on some boar jerky within. I looked around at my camp with a growing sense of doubt. Papa...he wouldn’t trade me for freedom. He wouldn’t.

Would he?


	3. A Harrowing Truth

It had been several days since Pan had left me with that sack of food and the news that my father had traded me away for freedom. I refused to believe it though. It was a lie. It was a lie to get me to stop believing in papa.

The music from Pan’s pipes could take my memories but that didn’t mean I was going to let them go without a fight. I wrote down everything I could remember. I sang shanties every night over the sound of Pan’s music. Tonight was no different. What I sang wasn’t a shanty though. It was something much softer.

_“My young love said to me, 'My mother won't mind, and my father won't slight you for your lack of kind.' And she stepped away from me, and this she did say,”_ I struggled with the next line, it was right there on the tip of my tongue, _“And this she did say...she did say…”_

__“Ugh!” I flopped back against the sand, “What did she say?”_ _

__Papa sang this to me every night when I was little. Or was it every time I had a nightmare? Everything is getting so hard to remember. Did papa sing it to me at all or was it a song one of the others on the ship sang? Or maybe it was a song I had heard at a festival or maybe a tavern?_ _

__It feels useless. I can’t even remember the next line of a song!_ _

__I pulled the pocketwatch from my pocket and stared at the unmoving hands. Pan’s unwanted words started to echo in my head._ _

___You really do not want to face the truth do you?_ _ _

__No._ _

___You wanna know how I know that he isn’t coming back for you? How I know he abandoned you here?_ _ _

__It’s another lie. Another trick._ _

___He left because I told him to._ _ _

__Papa wouldn’t abandon me. Papa wouldn’t trade me away!_ _

___Adults are so disappointing, especially parents. Selfish enough to sell their own children off to make their lives easier._ _ _

__“Papa, please,” I whispered to the night air, “Please come back. I know you didn’t leave me here on purpose. You’re gonna come back but it needs to be soon. Please papa...I miss you.”_ _

__A soft melody broke through my quiet sobs. I turned around and stared into the jungle. I could practically see the notes floating out from the darkness and wrapping around me. I stood to my feet. Letting the music take me closer to the jungle’s edge._ _

__I followed the song into the jungle. It was trance like but not in the way it had been before. I was more conscious of what I was doing. Choosing to follow it instead of letting myself slip completely under its spell._ _

__After a while I could make out the glow of the bonfire in the distance. The music was coming from the camp as I knew it would be. I could just walk in. Pan had said that I would be welcome. I could join the boys dancing around the fire. I could sit and listen to their stories. We could play games. We could have fun. We could be a family…_ _

__Family._ _

__I don’t remember much about about my family. I do remember one thing though. Papa taking me above deck the day after mama died. We stood before the crew and he said that though one of us had fallen it did not mean we were alone. We were a family by more than just blood. We were a family by choice. That was a bond stronger than blood._ _

__Where was that bond now? Where was my family now?_ _

__The warmth drained out of me all at once and I stepped away from the camp. I need to get out of here. I need to get away from here!_ _

__I started running back through the darkness to get to my camp. I caught a movement out of place among the shadows and stumbled to a stop. There, calmly sitting under a tree and illuminated by a beam of moonlight was Pan. His eyes closed. Was he asleep? Why so far from camp? Why was he out here by himself? He had just been at the camp, hadn’t he?_ _

__This was my chance! I crept closer keeping as quiet as I could as I came up behind him. He did not stir. His even measured breaths assuring me he was fast asleep. The music ended tonight. Keeping my grip tight I knocked him on the head as hard as I could with the hilt of my sword. Papa or maybe it was mama always did that to knock people out when they were down._ _

__I kicked him lightly with my foot to make sure he was really out of it then went about looking for his pipes or anything else useful. There was nothing. No pipes. No beans. Not even lint in his pocket!_ _

__Fine. If I can’t get rid of the music I can at least get rid of him! I grabbed his arms and started dragging him back to my camp. I silently prayed that he’d stay unconscious long enough for me to get him back which by some miracle he did. I grabbed a length of rope and tied his hands behind his back and bound his legs together. I also wrapped a scarf around his mouth for some personal satisfaction. No big words were coming out of his mouth now._ _

__After I was sure he was secure I hauled him into the rowboat and took either oar in hand. My single person rowing was not the best and the added weight didn’t make it any easier but I had already come too far. I rowed us out until we were in deeper waters. Being out here at night with the mermaids wasn’t the smartest decision I had ever made but I wasn’t in the mood for making smart decisions._ _

__I sat there in the rocking boat staring at the unconscious demon across from me. The moon was bright and full casting everything in pale light. I could make out mermaids bobbing in and out of the water closer to shore. They didn’t seem to be moving any closer. Perhaps they were waiting to see what would happen. So was I._ _

__What was I supposed to do now? Killing him would be the obvious thing to do after all the grief he has put me through. Running him through while he was still unconscious wasn’t right though. Bad form. He deserved to look his death in the eye._ _

__I cupped some water and tossed it in his face to wake him up. He groaned as his eyes cracked open. Then they widened some more as his situation became more clear. He pulled at the ropes binding him but to no avail. He glared at me and tried to talk around his gag._ _

__“Sorry? Have something to say?” I asked, enjoying the irritation on his face._ _

__He continued to grumble until I decided to let him have some final words. I pulled the gag down out of his mouth._ _

__“Why thank you,” He rolled his eyes, “I haven’t been bound and gagged in so long. What’s the occasion?”_ _

__“To victory.”_ _

__“Mine or yours.” He quirked an eyebrow up at me._ _

__“Isn’t it obvious,” I gestured to the situation, “Out of the two of us which one isn’t being held prisoner?”_ _

__“Prisoner? Is that what you think of me, swordfish? I thought this was a bit of fun between friends.”_ _

__“We’re not friends. We never have been and we never will be.”_ _

__“Never is an awfully long time. You sure you can resist me for that long? I am a lot of fun when you get to know me.”_ _

__“I think I know you well enough. Also, I won’t have to resist much longer since I can kill you at any moment. The mermaids are wading nearby and I’m sure they’d love a late night snack.”_ _

__“You brought chum for them? That’s awfully sweet for a hoard of bloodthirsty half-fish.”_ _

__“Will you stop.” I pointed my dagger at him, “Stop acting like you don’t care. I understand wanting to go to your death with dignity but you can’t be so flippant about it. Look at the situation. This is where you will die. Don’t you care?”_ _

__“Oh no, I do care. I care very much and I am impressed by this whole scene you’ve created. Job well done. I’d clap if my hands weren’t tied behind my back.”_ _

__“You are really just an ass, aren’t you?”_ _

__“Part of my charm.” he winked at me, “Please, proceed, I wanna hear where you’re gonna take this next.”_ _

__“I said to stop that.”_ _

__“Stop what?”_ _

__“Denying your situation. This cannot be having no impact on you.” I grabbed him by the collar, “So stop making fun of me!”_ _

__“I don’t know what you mean. I’m exactly where I want to be.”_ _

__“Tied up and at my mercy?”_ _

__“Obviously. Did you really think it would have been this easy? To sneak up on me and subdue me so easily? To drag me out here without any of my boys noticing?”_ _

__“You’re saying that you let me kidnap you?”_ _

__“How else would we have gotten here?”_ _

__“No. No! I beat you! You’re just trying to turn the situation around so it looks like you have the upper-hand when you know I have you cornered! I beat you!”_ _

__“Of course you did. You beat me entirely. Here I am, tied up and at your complete mercy. There’s no conceivable way this could be in my favor.”_ _

__“Then why are you talking like it is?”_ _

__“Is this a trick question?”_ _

__“Pan!”_ _

__“Let’s look at the facts here, spitfire. You snuck up on me, knocked me unconscious, dragged my limp unconscious body through the jungle back to your camp, tied me up, put me in a boat, rowed me out into the middle of the ocean, and then woke me up to lord your victory over me.”_ _

__“And?”_ _

__“Do you not see the game you’re playing. I told you once before you don’t want to kill me and here is the proof.”_ _

__“All I have to do is stab you through the heart.”_ _

__“Yes. So why haven’t you done it yet?”_ _

__The realization rocked through me like a tidal wave._ _

__“You had multiple opportunities to. You could have run me through back in the jungle. But then you dragged me through the jungle. You could have killed me when we got back to your camp. You could have thrown me over the side of the boat to drown after you hauled me all tied up in here. You could stab me any moment you choose but still your blade stays holstered. Why do you think that is? You’re bored, swordfish. You are so utterly bored and this game between us is the only thing keeping you from hurling yourself off Dead Man’s Peak. We both know it. You won’t kill me because I am the most fun you’ve had in years! You may not like it but the truth can be hard to swallow.”_ _

__I grabbed my dagger and poised it over his heart. “I am going to kill you. I am going to stab this blade through your heart and watch the life drain out of your eyes!”_ _

__“Do it then!” He shouted, “Do it! Kill me!”_ _

__“I will!” My grip on the handle tightened._ _

__“Come on, do it.” He urged, “Do it! Do it!”_ _

__“I--I--” My hand started to shake. “AH!” I stabbed the blade into the wood of the boat._ _

__I couldn’t do it. Why couldn’t I do it?_ _

__“Don’t beat yourself up over it, precious.” I felt a hand run through my hair. The ropes binding Pan had fallen away and he had inched forward to pet my head. “It was a good effort. You certainly kept me on my toes and I can say that this has been the most fun I’ve had in ages. But really, do not worry about not being able to kill me. It’s a big thing taking someone’s life, especially for the first time. Although, I would have been very happy to be your first victim if you had the courage to go through with it.”_ _

__“Don’t patronize me.” I slapped his hand away. “You could get out the entire time. Why didn’t you?”_ _

__“Because I was having fun. Have you not listened to a word I’ve said?”_ _

__“What kind of pirate am I that I can’t kill the one person who has given me the most grief?”_ _

__“You’re not a pirate, Lady Jones. You’re a Lost Girl.” He held out a hand, “And I am not the one who has caused you your greatest grief. We both know who is really to blame for that.”_ _

__I stared at the hand stretched out towards me. A ball of emotion caught in my throat. “He really left me...didn’t he?”_ _

__“Yes.”_ _

I took a deep breath and pulled the pocketwatch papa had gifted me so long ago. I opened it up and stared at the inscription. **_Those unwilling to fight for what they want deserve what they get._** “So much of a fight you put up for me.” I snapped it closed and threw it into the ocean as far as I could. 

__“I’ll row us back to shore, shall I?” Pan said after a long lapse of silence._ _

__I sat back down staring numbly at my toes as Pan rowed us back to shore. Not a word was uttered. When we got back to shore I sat down at my camp. The only place I felt safe for I don’t even remember how long anymore. It didn’t bring me any calm this time though. All around were reminders. Mementos of a life I was forced out of by the one person I trusted most._ _

__“Precious,” Pan knelt next to me, “You don’t have to stay out here alone anymore. Come back to camp with me.”_ _

__I turned to look at him and saw the way he almost flinched when he stared into my eyes. “If it’s all the same to you, I would much rather be alone right now.”_ _

__“Of course…” He stood up again, “You know where to go if you change your mind.”_ _

__It felt like there was something more he wanted to say but he kept it to himself. I waited until long after he left before any composure I had left me and I sunk into the sand huddling in on myself. Short muffled sobs escaping me as the last dregs of my hope were drowned._ _

__Papa wasn’t coming back for me._ _


	4. Never and Forever

It is strange how normal things can be after having a revelation. Nothing really changes. The sun still rises, waves crash on the sand, and birds sing in the trees. It is all so painstakingly normal.

After I accepted that papa had really left me here, accepted that he had traded me for freedom, I don’t know what I expected. It felt as if the sky should at least be dark and bleak. Rain should be pouring down and the sea should rage like the storm inside me. It was almost comical how I expected such chaos and was greeted with warm days full of sun and sparkling waters.

I stopped looking for the Jolly Roger over the horizon. I stopped counting the days I had been trapped. I stopped trying to recall everything about my life before Neverland in some vain attempt to keep my memories intact. There simply was no reason.

Pan came by to see what I was doing after our nighttime encounter out on the sea. He never revealed himself but I could always tell when he was there. Watching unseen from the trees. Not interfering but not ignoring either.

One day some of the Lost Boys came by me when I was resting at my camp. Upon seeing me they stammered out apologies and ran off back to where they came. My heart panged because I wanted them to stay. I wanted someone to talk to. I thought of going to Tinkerbell but I knew if I did we’d end up talking about papa and I couldn’t put myself through reminders of him right now.

Most nights I heard music coming from the jungle but it didn’t have the hypnotic spell over me as it once had. It as no challenge to ignore it and I wasn’t sure if that was worse or better.

I only ventured towards the camp of the Lost Boys once. The sounds of joy and fun pulled me forward but the reality of what I was choosing kept me from going in. I watched from the sidelines as the boys whooped and jumped and danced around a raging bonfire. It reminded me of the nights where the crew would break out their instruments and dance on the deck. It was nothing pretty but it was fun. I could remember papa teaching me how to dance properly. Standing on his toes...

I reached for my pocketwatch and breathed out remembering how I had hurled it into the sea. I need to stop reminiscing. It’s only causing me more grief. I looked back up at the camp and saw Pan emerge from the shadows. It was as if he had sensed me for he looked right at me. There was a peculiar smile on his face. Almost inviting. He held out a hand towards me, his fingers curling to tempt me to his side.

My feet were rooted in their spot. It wasn’t until Pan took the first step towards me that I was able to move again and took off back into the jungle. I got back to my camp and huddled down in my hut. Why couldn’t I do it? Why couldn’t I just enter the camp? Why couldn’t I move on?

I was just getting my breathing under control when I felt the familiar gaze of someone watching me.

“What do you want, Pan?” I asked, my voice quiet.

“So you have known that I was watching. I couldn’t tell for sure before.” Pan was closer, standing just outside of my hut. He bent down to peer inside at me. “Feel like talking now?”

I scooted out to the entrance. “Why did you follow me?”

“Because this is the first time since you kidnapped me that you’ve sought anyone out. Considering it’s been over a week since then I figured I’d meet you half way.”

“Why?”

“Because you can’t live on your own forever. It’ll drive you mad. I imagine it already has some. That’s why you came to the camp.”

“How come you never said anything? You’ve been watching me for days without a word. Why say something now?”

“Like I said, you sought me out. You wanted space so I figured that I’d wait for you to come to me when you were ready. You can still come back to camp. It’ll be alright.”

My eyes snapped to his. “I don’t want to be a part of your crew.”

He gave a sigh and sat down next to me. “Still don’t trust me?” He asked.

“I’ve accepted the situation I have been forced into. My father traded me for passage out of this hellhole and since crossing realms is no easy feat I do not expect him to be able to come back for me. But…”

“There’s still a part that wants to believe he’s trying to return for you.” Pan’s voice was uncommonly gentle. Almost as if he was talking to a spooked animal. Perhaps that was what I was. A scared little creature that wanted to scuttle back into her hidey hole.

“You must think me a fool,” I scoffed.

“I think you’ve been spurned by someone you trusted and don’t know how to handle it.” He laid a hand on my back. It was surprisingly comforting. “In the years that I have lived I’ve learned a few things. One of them is that loyalty, once lost, is never earned again. Not true loyalty. Even if your father came back for you there is a part of you that would never trust him like you once did.”

“I don’t know what to believe anymore.”

Pan studied me for a moment longer before standing up and holding his hand out for me, “Come along,”

“Where are we going?” I ignored his hand and stood up on my own.

“I’m showing you that you can trust me.”

He withdrew something from the pouch on his belt. It glittered like a jewel but had an odd shape. “This is a magic bean,” He said, “It can take you anywhere you want to go.”

“You’re not giving me that, are you?”

“No. We’re gonna go on a trip.” He grabbed hold of my arm, “Brace yourself, this can get a little rough.”

He dropped the bean on the ground and immediately the ground opened up into a swirling vortex pulling us both in. I clung onto Pan tighter. The journey was disorienting and my head was spinning when we finally were deposited somewhere else.

As the dizziness subsided I was able to note a few things. One, we definitely weren’t on Neverland anymore. We had been dropped on some dock where the cold air reeked of fish. In the distance there was a town. Most of the houses were dark but there looked to be an inn or a tavern that exuded warmth and energy.

Wait, I know this town! We would dock here all the time. This was where I lost--

My blood went cold. “Pan,” I turned to him, “Why are we here?”

“You’ll see,” He motioned for me to follow him. I pulled my coat tighter against me and followed after him into the town. The closer we got to the tavern the louder the cheer inside became. My legs felt like they were being weighted down by cannonballs the closer we got. Without even looking I could remember where everything was. Down that road was the blacksmith. Around that corner was a bakery. To the right of that well was the apothecary.

Pan noticed me lagging behind and grabbed me to keep up with him. “Really Pan,” I tried to pry his hand off my arm as we entered the tavern. “Why are we here?”

“Because he’s here,” Pan pointed to a spot near the back of the tavern.

Sitting at a table surrounded by pirates and wenches was my father playing a card game and drinking.

“Papa…” A part of me wanted to run up to him and hug him and never let him go. Another part of me kept me rooted in my spot. I turned to Pan. “What is this? Why’d you bring me here? To show me what I’ve lost?”

“Not at all,” he released my arm, “This is your chance. Return to him.”

“What?”

“You heard what I said. If you want to you can be reunited with your father and I give you my word I will never bother you again.”

“It’s a trick. A trap of some kind!”

“No tricks here, swordfish. I am being completely serious.”

“You’re releasing me?”

“If that is what you wish.”

I took a tentative step away from Pan. I took another waiting to see if he would stop me but he made no move. I stepped closer and closer to where papa was sitting. This was real. I can go home! After so long I can finally be with my family again!

“Is that the Lady Jones I see?” The sound of a familiar voice silenced any joy I held.

I turned to see who had addressed me. A familiar pirate with overgrown red hair and a stubbly chin walked towards me. He was all muscles and devil-may-care charm wrapped in worn brown leather. “Karver,” I crossed my arms. “Shouldn’t be surprised you’re here.”

“Are you still sore about the last time we met that you won’t call me Quentin?” he shook his head, “If you’d allow me I’d like to make up for it.”

“I don’t want anything from you. After months of being trapped I have finally gotten away from the hellscape that was Neverland and want to get back to my father and crew.”

“Ah yes,” Karver threw an arm over my shoulders. I tried not to shudder. “Captain Jones was regaling the tavern with the tale earlier. Nasty stuff you all encountered. I was wondering why you weren’t with the crew celebrating.”

“That’s because I only got off the island recently. I haven’t had months to become numb to everything we went through while trapped in Neverland like they have.”

“Months?” Karver’s eyebrows knit together, “Kitten, the crew of the Jolly Roger shot up from the sea like a ghost ship a week ago. They’ve been drinking the town dry ever since.”

“A week? It’s only been a week since they left Neverland? A week!” I fumed. No...no this couldn’t be happening. I was on Neverland by myself for months and it hadn’t even been a week here? I knew time moved differently in Neverland but I never expected this!

“Problem?” Karver asked.

I looked across the tavern at my father. My father who was laughing and drinking with some floozy on his lap without a care in the world. This was the same man who had gone silent for months after mama died. It took him years to be comfortable enough to act like the wolfish pirate I saw before me when mama died. To him I had been bargained away a week ago. A week ago he gave me up to escape and what was it I found? He wasn’t mourning. He wasn’t trying to find a way back to me. He was in a tavern getting drunk and having fun. He was here having the time of his life knowing full well that I was stuck on Neverland at the mercy of Pan and the Lost Boys.

I shoved Karver away and stormed back out of the tavern. Pan was waiting outside.

My voice trembled with anger and betrayal. “He was never going to come back for me. It wasn’t even a thought in his head. Was it?”

“I thought it best if you saw for yourself.” Pan said.

“Why though? I’m his daughter! Don’t I mean anything?”

“Sounds like something to ask him.” Pan nodded towards the tavern.

I shook my head. Bitter tears pouring down my face. “No. I want out of here. I want to leave. Now!”

Pan held out a hand for me. “Do you trust me now, Lost Girl?”

I took one last look inside at the man who raised me. The man who sold me. I took Pan’s hand. “I want to go home.”

Pan smiled and withdrew another bean. The next moment we were falling through a portal on our way back to Neverland. The air was warm once again, the sand was pliant and soft beneath my boots. I took in a deep breath, salty ocean air with just a hint of flowers from the jungle on the tail end of it.

I remembered what I told Pan before we returned. I didn’t say I wanted to go back to Neverland. I said I wanted to go home. When did Neverland become home?

“Feel like coming to camp now?” Pan asked, giving a little tug on our interlaced hands.

“Can we stay here tonight? I don’t think I have the energy to go to your camp right now.”

“We?” Pan asked, “Am I to take it that you want me to stay?”

Heat started to creep up my neck and I gripped his hand tighter. “I don’t want to be alone again.” I admitted. I felt like a child. I was practically begging him to stay here with me.

Pan’s features softened and we sat down. His hand still held mine and he used his other to light a small fire for us. “You won’t be alone ever again, Lost Girl.” he murmured, “I promise.”


	5. Up on a Cloud

Time was so strange to think about in a realm where time stood still. A lifetime could have passed around me and I wouldn’t have noticed. The only way I was sure the days were even going by was the rising and setting of the sun. Little memories, echoes of a time long forgotten, reminding me that I had not always lived on Neverland. The clothes I wore were altered but significantly different from the Lost Boys. A stark reminder that once we were on opposing sides. For what reason I could no longer remember.

The only thing I remembered with clarity was the pain. The anger in my soul wouldn’t let me forget. I never forgot the way a redheaded pirate had hurt me and scared me so thoroughly. Sometimes I would wake with his voice in my ear and cry. I never forgot that I had a mother at one point. I reckoned I looked a lot like her and I know that I loved her. Then she had died and a part of me had gone with her.

All of that pain paled in comparison to the eternal flame of resentment I held towards the man I had called father. His face was hard to remember. At odd times I would remember the way he smiled or a whisper of his voice barking orders or singing a tune. One of his hands was replaced with a hook. I loved him just as I had loved my mother. Trusted him. Then he betrayed me. He sold me. He traded me away without regret.

I hated him.

That’s all I needed to know. All I needed to remember.

I hated my father.

Life is strange though. I was kicked out of one family and given another. Peter Pan and his Lost Boys. It felt like I had known them all my life. We laughed, fought, hunted, and played games. We were always having fun. I couldn’t imagine a life without them.

While I got along great with all the boys I couldn’t say that I was particularly close to any single one of them. Besides Pan that is. I don’t know what it was but Pan and I just got along better than we ever did with anyone else. He was, without a doubt, my best friend.

I sat at my own little camp one morning soaking in the breeze off the ocean. Pan had offered me a place back at his camp but I liked having my own space out here on the beach. I wanted to be near the ocean. I could only fall asleep listening to the sound of the waves crashing on the shore. I don’t understand why. It was comforting. Familiar.

I was cooking a fish I had caught over my fire for some breakfast when I felt the chill that let me know someone was watching me. Without looking from my task I called to the onlooker. “You know you can’t sneak up on me. So how about you come take a seat.”

“Nothing ever gets past you, swordfish,” Pan came and sat down next to me. “I come bearing presents.”

“Do you?” I gave the fish another turn on the spit. I looked at Pan, “May I enquire as to the occasion?”

“Today is a special day. Do you know why?”

“If I knew I wouldn’t have to ask you.”

“Today marks the one year anniversary of when you became a Lost Girl.”

“One year?” I asked, “It feels like it’s been so much longer than that. Are you sure?”

“As sure as anything. This day one year ago, you officially joined me and the boys as our first ever Lost Girl. Doesn’t that call for celebration?”

“I suppose it does.” I inched closer, “So where is this present you got me?”

“It’s not here. I have to take you to it.”

“Can I have my breakfast first?”

“Yes. You’ll need your energy.”

We made idle talk as I quickly scarfed down my breakfast and stood to follow Pan to my present. He tied a blindfold around my eyes and led me into the jungle with his hand holding tight to mine. I laughed as I stumbled to whatever spot Pan was taking me. I tried making guesses but he was resolute in his decision to keep it a secret up until the very last second.

“Are we almost there?” I asked after several minutes of walking.

“Just a little farther.” Pan pulled me forward. “Alright, you can take the blindfold off now.”

I reached behind my head and undid the knot. The fabric fell away and I stumbled back when I realized we were at the top of a cliff. “Careful,” Pan righted me, “Don’t want you to go falling off the edge yet.”

“Yet?! What do you mean yet?!” Fear coursed through my veins as I tried to get away from the ledge.

“Calm down, spitfire. It’s not what you think,” He chuckled, “You trust me, right?”

“Slowly losing trust the longer you keep me up here.”

“Look at me,” He turned my face to his, “You’ll be safe. I promise.”

“Had better or else I swear I will come back and haunt you after I die.” I inched a little closer and peered down the cliff face. “Not that the view isn’t good but what does this have to do with my present?”

“It’s a good jumping point,” he pulled a vial out of his pocket and handed it to me. The contents inside glittered and glowed a bright green. “Know what it is?”

“Pixie dust,” I shook the dust around sending more swirls of sparkling magic dancing in the glass. I had heard the boys talking about it. It only was found in the topmost of some trees and could be quite difficult to find. It had a number of abilities such as changing one’s appearance, uniting someone with their true love, healing wounds, and even–

“Can I fly!” I jumped clasping the vial tighter. “Is this my present?”

“It is, spitfire. I was going to let you have the dust for whatever you wanted but I had a feeling you’d want to fly.”

“This is great! Thank you so much!” I wrapped him in a hug. He grew stiff in my arms and I pulled away from him just as quick. “Sorry, I was just so excited! This is an amazing gift.”

“Yes, you’re welcome,” Pan looked away and gestured for the vial back. He uncorked it and held it up above me. “I trust you know how this works.”

“I do,” My body was tingling with anticipation. He started to tip it and my hand shot out to stop him.

“Something wrong?” He asked.

“What if it doesn’t work for me? I don’t want to jump to my death.”

“Do you really think I’d let my Lost Girl do something as stupid as jump to her death?” Pan laughed, “Besides, I’ll be flying with you so if you do start falling I’ll be right there to catch you.”

“Oh my hero,” I scoffed with a smile, “I trust you though.” I dropped my hand back to my side and nodded for him to continue.

The dust came spilling out and sprinkled around us. There was a strange feeling all around me. As if I was much lighter than I had ever been. I looked down and saw that I was floating a few inches off the ground. It’s happening! I’m flying!

Pan was still in front of my lazily floating in the space next to me as if it was the most natural thing in the world. “You ready?”

Without answering I pushed myself over the edge of the cliff and let myself fall down, down, down towards the crashing waves. I let out a loud and wild laugh as I pulled up just before hitting the waves and glided out over the ocean. I reached out and touched my hand to the water leaving ripples behind as I flew. This was so exhilarating!

“You’re a natural,” Pan came flying by next to me, “You didn’t even need me.”

“Are you so surprised?” I took a turn around Skull Rock, “You should know by now that I can do anything better than you, Pan.”

“Cocky aren’t we?” Pan reached out and shoved me sending me wobbling as I almost crashed into a boulder poking out from the waves. “Not so cocky now, are you?”

“Oh you’re gonna pay for that!”

“Only if you can catch me, spitfire!” Pan took off ahead of me.

I followed after him and was keeping stride with him pretty well despite his experience in the matter. The only reason I couldn’t catch him was because he dove down into the jungle and while I was able to keep him in sight he wove in and out of the trees so smoothly it almost felt like they were parting for him. They might have been seeing as how he could shape the island however he wanted. I was not as skilled as him and had a good many near misses of colliding with a tree as I chased him.

He entered into a cave and I went in after him. When I came out the otherside he had disappeared. “Pan, you cheater!” I shouted, “Come out, come out wherever you are!”

“Boo!” A pair of hands grabbed me from behind. I couldn’t help they yelp that escaped me. Pan was holding tight to me and flew us both higher up into the air. While I never did have much a fear of heights I was finding myself dizzy the higher up we got. The island was getting so small.

“Pan! Get us back down there! We’re too high up!” I shouted at him.

“Where’s your sense of adventure?” he cackled, “Don’t tell me my Lost Girl is scared of heights.”

“I’m not! But this is too high! What if the pixie dust wears off? We’re sure as dead!” My fingernails dug into his arm, too scared to let go.

“Calm down, here, have a seat,” he gestured to a cloud.

“Is this some sort of trick?” I snarled, “I’m not an idiot. I know a cloud is just a vaporous formation of water. I’ll sink right through as if it was nothing.”

“No imagination,” Pan sighed and pushed me off him. I let out a short scream as I fell back. My landing was cushioned by the cloud though.

“How–”

“Magic, remember?” Pan sat down next to me. “So little trust, swordfish. I can make anything I want in this realm.”

“Right…” I relaxed a bit and sunk down into the could, “It’s so soft.”

I noticed Pan was staring at me and I turned over to face him fully. “Thank you, Pan. This was so much fun.”

“You’re welcome, Lost Girl.” He smiled. I looked over the edge of the cloud at the island far below. It was so small from up here. I had to stop staring as the vertigo set in.

Pan was still watching me, a wistful smile on his face. “What?” I asked.

“You know you only ever call me Pan.” He said.

“I wouldn’t say that’s all I call you.” I pulled my knees to my chest, “I call you jerk, cheater, codfish, blight on my life–”

“You never call me Peter though.”

“Cause everyone refers to you as Pan.”

“They’ve called me Peter at least once. They just choose Pan. Sometimes I would like to hear my first name.” He shrugged.

“Then why don’t you ask them to call you by your first name?”

“I guess I just don’t like the way it sounds coming from them.”

“You want to be called by your first name yet you don’t like the way anyone says it. I believe that you are contradicting yourself.” I teased.

“Or maybe I’m waiting for someone to say it in a way that I like. Care to give it a go?”

“Okay,” I rolled my eyes, “Do you like how I say your name, Peter?”

His smile grew and crinkled his eyes. “I believe I do.”

“You know, if you wanted me to call you by your first name you could have just asked. You didn’t have to go about it in such a roundabout way.”

“I have no idea what you could mean. I simply haven’t liked the way anyone has said my name until now. Of course, as sweet as it sounds from your lips I think there is room for improvement still.”

“Is that so? And how else am I supposed to say it?”

“I’ll let you know another time.” He answered with a wink, “For now, say it again as you just did.”

“You are so strange…Peter.”

He grinned in that way that made me forget I had ever called him anything else. “Perfect.”


	6. A Bird in the Jungle

It was always strange looking through the items I had kept from my previous life. The books were nice to read, and some of the knicknacks I kept, but something I never really thought of were my clothes. Most of the clothes that I wore for everyday use had been altered in some shape or form after many years of roughing it on the island. It was a distinctly different style to what the Lost Boys usually wore but no one could say I didn’t fit in because of it.

There was one garment I had not let be touched by the island. A dress. One meant to look pretty and be admired. It was nothing too grand. A deep royal blue of soft velvet, puffed sleeves, a tiny bit of white lace along the neck and cuffs, and deep maroon flowers embroidered along the hem. There were a matching pair of blue slippers to go with it. The chemise to be worn underneath had been long ago torn apart to use as bandages.

Sometimes when I was alone I’d try it on and try to picture an event where I would have ever worn it. There must have been a time I did. Gliding along a polished floor dancing under the candlelight.

I stood on the beach in the dead of the night, wearing my pretty dress and imagining the scene that played out in my head. If I closed my eyes I could almost hear music.

_“Da da da da dum dum dum,”_ I hummed as I swayed across the sand, _“Da da da da dum da dum,”_

“She does dance,” I stopped immediately and turned towards the voice. Peter stood at the edge of the jungle watching me with an amused smile. “All these years and I have never seen you dance once. Not even when I asked.”

“What are you doing out here? You’re never awake this late,” I suddenly felt self conscious at the knowledge that he saw me dancing by myself in my dress.

“Couldn’t sleep, wondered if you were awake yet,” He came closer, scanning me from head to toe. “I almost didn’t recognize you. Since when do you have something like this?”

“It’s from before,” I tried to subtly pull up the neckline, “I just wanted to try it on.”

“There’s nothing wrong with wanting to look pretty, precious.” His hand reached out and rubbed the fabric of my sleeve between his fingers. “It suits you.”

“Thanks, but it is very late and I should be getting some rest now,” I tried to rush past him. He grabbed hold of my arm and pulled me back in front of him with a spin. I almost tripped at the sudden motion and went tumbling into his arms. My face buried in his chest.

His laugh rumbled softly against my cheek. I stood up ramrod straight, eyes wide and nervous. Peter hummed happily once more and took a step back. He bent forward at the waist in a deep bow with his hand outstretched towards me. “May I have this dance, my lady?”

“What?” I kept my arms crossed close to my chest, “You’re being ridiculous. Stand up. There’s not even any music you loon.”

“You didn’t need any before,” He gazed up at me, “Come on, indulge me for once.”

I scanned the trees, paranoid even now that someone would come upon us, “Only if you promise not to tell any of the boys you saw me in this. I don’t think I’d be able to win their respect back if they knew I liked playing dress up.”

“I do not think there is anything in this world that could do such a thing but on my honor I won’t tell them. Besides, I rather like having this little secret of yours all to myself.” He stood to his full height and placed one hand on my waist while the other took my hand. “Now how did that song you were singing go? _Da da da da dum dum dum,”_

_“Da da da da dum da dum,”_ I sung back quietly as we started to twirl in the sand. _“Dum dum da dum da dum dum dum,”_

For a few blessed moments it was just us on that beach dancing along the shore. Peter humming in my ear. Bodies pressed flushed together. Far closer than we needed to be. It was a game we played. Cheeky touches and flirtatious comments. I can’t remember when it started. I think it may have been around the time I started referring to him as Peter instead of Pan. How many years ago was that now?

This was not the first time we had ever been this close but it felt much more intimate than those times he did it to embarrass me in front of the boys. There was no one but us here and he gazed at me in such a way that rendered my tongue useless.

Our grand sweeping steps and spins dissolved away until it was just the two of us holding each other close. My head resting on his shoulder as we swayed slowly to the sound of the waves. Peter’s voice was right in my ear, hushed and low. Like a secret being shared.

“You dance beautifully, and here I thought you never did because you couldn’t.” Peter said, “Why stay so still?”

“I don’t know,” I whispered back, “Never felt right.”

Echoes of another time doing something like this floated to my mind. So faint that I half thought I imagined them entirely. But if it was just my imagination then why did they make me so angry? Why did my heart break when they came to me? The memories were far different from this personal and quiet moment Peter and I shared. The memory clawing to the surface...it was anything but relaxing.

“I see that,” Peter brushed away a stray tear I hadn’t realized escaped, “Something from before?”

“I think there was a man,” I whispered as we came to a stop, “They had red hair, the room was spinning and someone was laughing. Everything was entirely too warm...”

“Are you alright?” Peter asked, “You look as if you’ve seen a ghost.”

“Something like that,” I stepped away from him. I kept my eyes down on the ground, my face hot with an embarrassment. “I am going to turn in now.”

“But--”

“I don’t want to talk about it!” I snapped, “I don’t even remember him.”

“Him who? Your father?”

“Someone else,” I shook my head, banishing the memories that were trying to become more coherent, “No! No one! I don’t remember anything! I don’t want to remember anything or anyone!”

“Precious,” Peter followed me, wrapping his arms around me from behind. “We don’t have to remember anything. I’m sorry. Come, let’s finish that dance.”

“I don’t feel like dancing anymore.” I pushed his arms off me, “I really am tired though, please leave.”

Peter sighed and stepped away from me, his posture now rigid and guarded. Such a cold change from the boy that danced with me and spoke so sweetly to me a moment ago. “Of course, sorry to keep you. I won’t intrude again.”

My heart sunk into my stomach. “Peter--”

He disappeared. “Damn it.” I went about wrestling the dress off my figure and changing back into my normal clothes. I had half a mind to toss the infernal dress onto the fire or rip it in two but I folded it and neatly stored it away for another day. It wasn’t the dress’s fault I couldn’t keep my shit together.

It wasn’t Peter’s fault that I kept pulling away from him. I’ve been fighting against being close to him ever since I came to Neverland. I’ve come a long way since then but even when I wanted to be near him I was pushing him away. Being that close to someone again was terrifying. If I keep my heart closed then no one can hurt it.

The days went by since that night and Peter wasn’t coming by to visit me like he used to. Where before I could count on him coming by twice to three times a day I barely got to see him at his own camp. We still talked and laughed but there was a wall up between us that hadn’t been there before. It was there and I didn’t know how to take it back down.

That’s when she came to the island.

A girl with curly blonde hair, big innocent eyes, and a white nightgown touched down on Neverland’s shores. Right next to my camp as it were. I don’t know why Peter’s shadow left her there but she was here and I couldn’t very well ignore her with her right in front of me.

“Hello,” her voice was as sweet as her face, “I’m Wendy Darling. Who are you?”

I told her my name. She nodded sweetly and sat down in the sand next to me with a wide smile. She gazed around her in wonder. “So this is really Neverland? The place where children never grow up and can have fun forever?”

“Something like that, yes.” I answered. She was as innocent as a lamb but it was that innocence that made me uneasy. She was so perfect. Too perfect. I wanted to ruin her. Stain that pretty little lace nightgown or scar that cute face. Something to make her less appealing.

“Good evening,” Relief flooded my body as I turned to see Peter approaching. The smile on my face slowly faded as he walked past me and stood before Wendy Darling. “You must be the new person the shadow brought. I’m Peter Pan.”

“Very nice to meet you, Peter Pan.” Wendy shook his outstretched hand.

“Please, call me Peter.”

For a few moments my mouth hung open as Peter and Wendy exchanged a few pleasantries. Wendy giggled. Peter laughed. He was smiling. My Peter was smiling softly for this girl he had just met.

No. Not my Peter. How could I ever try to claim him as mine? He’s the ruler of Neverland and the Leader of the Lost Boys. My leader. Nothing more. I made sure of that, didn’t I?

Peter and Wendy stood up, Peter gallantly offering up his arm for Wendy to take as they started walking towards the jungle. Go. Just go already! Take your damn happiness and perfection and get out of my sight!

They left without another glance back at me.

All this time I kept Peter at arm’s length because I couldn’t handle the loss of someone I cared about leaving me again. Yet, without meaning to by keeping him at arm’s length I was letting him slip from my grasp altogether. I don’t want to lose Peter. I can’t lose someone else.

But what was there to do now? He obviously didn’t care one way or another. It wasn’t like I was one of his Lost Boys. I was a Lost Girl. An outlier. The only reason I was here was because my father abandoned me and joining up with Peter was the only option left to me. If I stayed out on my own I would have died. Now? What was I to do now if Peter didn’t care about me anymore? I wasn’t exactly close to any of the Lost Boys. I guess I still had Tinkerbell but I see here even more rarely than I talk to the Lost Boys.

I’m exactly where I was all those years ago. A scared and confused girl sitting on a beach with no one to care for but myself.

I didn’t follow them back to camp. The next day when I was checking my traps for small game and spotted Peter walking with Wendy I didn’t listen to what they said. When I heard music playing in the jungle I didn’t follow it.

It had been a couple of days since Wendy had come to the island. Every time I ventured into the jungle on my daily routine Peter was always there with her, with Wendy Darling. It was uncomfortable at first but I was soon getting annoyed by it. He knows this is where I go, he’s accompanied me enough times, can’t he give me the decency to ignore me in places where I am not?

In an effort to avoid this I grabbed my bag and hiked my way to the top of Dead Man’s Peak to spend the day. When I reached for my whetstone to sharpen my blades though I found it missing. Strange since I always kept it in my bag. Perhaps I had forgotten it at my camp? Heavens forbid it fell out somewhere on my way up this mountain. I’d never find it again.

Fine. I’ll just hope that I forgot my whetstone at my camp and sharpen my sword and dagger later. I fished around in my bag for some food as I watched the landscape below. The waves rolling in on the shore, the trees swaying in the breeze, the sound of the spring babbling behind me. It was relaxing. I should come up here more often.

The sound of crunching gravel ruined my moment of peace. Of course someone would be coming up here as I was relaxing. They were probably here to collect some dreamshade and would be gone just as quick. I scooted over so I wasn’t in the way and dug into my lunch.

“I know it is a bit of a journey but the view is well worth it.” The voice of one of my intruders said.

Please. No. Not here too.

“You’re right, Neverland looks amazing from up here,” Wendy said, her face bright with perspiration and glee. Her eyes landed on me and she smiled wider, “Apparently we are not the only ones who thought so. Hello again.”

“Hello indeed, Lost Girl,” Peter smirked, “Strange to find you all the way up here at this time of day.”

“Well I live to disappoint.” I stuffed my lunch back in my bag. “I’ll be going now.”

“Oh please stay!” Wendy caught my arm as I tried to walk past them, “I’ve been having so much fun I haven’t had a chance to come visit with you again. I’m curious to know more about the pirate turned Lost Girl the boys have been telling me about. Did you go on many adventures?”

“Sorry to say but I barely remember anything from those days.” I pried her hand off me, “And I don’t want to.”

“Come now, Lady Jones, I know you remember some things.” Peter said, “Indulge our new Lost Girl.”

I grabbed Peter by the throat. He didn’t seem concerned but Wendy leapt away with a yelp. “I told you never to call me that again.” I snarled.

“Now, now, spitfire, no need to make a scene. You’re scaring our guest.” Peter said calmly.

I let go of him and readjusted my bag on my shoulder. There was a gleam in his eye that I knew far too well. A game. This was all a game to him. I should have known from the start. It couldn’t be by accident that he kept turning up where I was with Wendy at his side. For whatever reason he did it I knew not, nor did I care. I was through playing his games.

Without another word I turned and made my journey back down the mountain. I got back to my camp as the sun was setting and I searched through my things looking for my whetstone but it was still missing. Guess I’ll have to borrow one from the boy’s camp.

The sky had almost gone completely dark by the time I reached the camp. I approached one of the boys and asked for a whetstone. They disappeared to find one and I stood by waiting. Several minutes passed and the boy had yet to come back. What was taking him so long?

In the light of the bonfire a group of Lost Boys were dancing. That was nothing new. What everyone had stopped to admire though was not the boys. It was Wendy Darling, jumping and twirling around the fire. Her golden locks like spirals of flame in the firelight, a wide and happy smile adorned her perfectly porcelain face, and she was dressed in a blue velvet dress that spun gracefully around her.

I stepped closer. All rational thought had left and I focused solely on the perfectly happy girl in front of me. She spotted me and leapt away from the ring of dancing to approach me. “You’re here! I’m sorry if my request earlier was rude. I had no idea that you didn’t--”

“Where did you get that dress?” I asked, heart thudding dully in my chest.

“Isn’t it beautiful? I feel just like a princess,” She giggled, “Peter gave it to me. He said it was an apology for causing a scene in front of me earlier. Of course I thought it much to grand and nice for a simple apology but he insisted. It hadn’t fit quite right when I put it on so he waved his hand and magically made it to my exact adjustments. Do you like it?”

“It’s mine...that’s my dress.”

“Oh,” She smoothed her hands down the skirt, “I’m so sorry. I didn’t know. Peter had said--”

“Yes, he says a lot of things.” My hands clenched at my sides.

“I’ll give it back. Just let me go change.” Wendy said.

“No.” I snapped, “Don’t bother. It suits you better anyway.”

I turned to leave. The reason I had come here forgotten as the ache that had taken root in my chest days earlier burst into a pain that consumed me from head to toe. Ignore me. Fine. Mock me. I don’t care. Give away the one thing I used to remind myself I was a woman? The one piece of finery I let myself have? The one thing that made me feel pretty?

My hands were shaking. Bitter tears were trying to escape but I wouldn’t let him have the satisfaction. He could take my peace, my dress and even my heart but he would not have my tears!

I stopped. The air around me growing cold. My heart? When did I ever let Peter lay claim to that? Surely I was not so dumb as to let someone as horrible as him sneak his way under my skin. There was no way I could have possibly fallen for the codfish! Not after he’s snubbed me all this time! Not after he gave away my possessions to what is essentially a total stranger!

Then I remembered us dancing on the beach. My head on his shoulder as he hummed quietly in my ear. I remembered us flying together. Holding tightly to him as he flew us high into the clouds where we sat overlooking the island. The first time I had called him Peter. The first time we started flirting. The ridiculous little bows he would do when asking me to walk with him and the equally silly kisses to my hand when he left.

I remembered when we were dueling and I cut him deeper than I meant to across his shoulder. He said it was no big deal but I had felt bad and bandaged it. It wasn’t until I had gone through the whole process that he reminded me he had magic to make it better. Not wanting to look like an idiot I had claimed I had magic too and gave the spot a kiss. I faintly remembered a woman long ago kissing my scraped knee to make it better. Just like magic. After that moment any time he got even the tiniest cut he came to me asking to kiss it better. I figured he was teasing me but I relented every time.

Nights sitting together on the beach looking up at the stars. Days filled with laughter as we lazed about the island. Quiet mornings slumped against each other as we watched the sunrise.

Peter had never taken my heart. I had given it to him long ago and I never even noticed. I liked him. I liked him and yet I wanted to hate him. He got to me and then he hurt me. He hurt me just like father had!

No. I would not mourn a betrayal like this again. I will not. I turned around and charged right back into camp, sword drawn. The boys parted before me. My eyes lit with fury that permeated with every step back into camp.

I saw him. Standing just at the corner of the shadows. Wendy Darling was with him. Dressed in her nightgown again and holding a pile of fabric out to him. As if sensing me Peter looked directly at me. His bored expression shifting into a smirk before falling as I prowled closer. He pushed Wendy aside and faced me.

“Spitfire, what is it--” I cut him off with a quick swipe of my sword. He jumped back out of range.

“You slimy, underhanded, unfeeling, and traitorous codfish!” I yelled as I kept taking swings at him. He was dodging all my attacks and it only made me angrier. I wanted to skewer him. I wanted to run this foolish bastard through and watch his blood paint my blade.

He got his hands on a sword and started blocking my attacks. “What is wrong with you?” He asked as he started regaining his footing.

“You are what is wrong with me!” I screamed as I tried to hit him again. “You lying, worthless sack of fish guts!”

“Spitfire, please, let me--” he tried to say but I increased. My attacks getting faster as I tried to overtake him again. My vision flooded red.

“Enough!” He disarmed me, leaving a long, shallow cut along my hand as he did. The boys surrounding us grabbed me and held me so I couldn’t get away. Peter was breathing heavily and stabbed the sword into the dirt. He collected mine from the ground.

“Now,” he said, “If I tell them to let you go are you going to try to decapitate me again.”

“You’d deserve it.” I snarled. “Lying little imp!”

“I am many things, swordfish, but a liar is not one of them.” A shadow passed over his face. “Let her go.”

The boys released me and Peter grabbed hold of my wrist. He pulled me away from camp and wouldn’t let go until we were back at my camp on the beach. The fight inside me had ebbed away leaving soul crushing sorrow in its place. I didn’t dare say a word, convinced that I would turn into a blubbering mess if I did.

When we got back to my camp Peter let go of me. I figured he would drop me off and leave but instead he grabbed a few logs I had kept near my fire ring and tossed them in before lighting it. He sat down and pulled me down with him. He inspected the cut on my hand without a word and took a rag from his pocket to bandage it. Why was he doing this?

“Sorry I had to do that,” He said, quietly, “You weren’t giving me much other option.”

He tied off the bandage and brought my hand closer to his face. I expected he was checking to see it wouldn’t bleed through when he gently pressed his lips to it in a darting kiss. Then I started crying.

I couldn’t stop it. The tears I had tried to hold back for so long came spilling out without mercy or an end in sight.

“Precious girl,” Peter sighed, pulling me into his arms. “I didn’t know I hurt you this bad.”

“Well you did.” I gasped out. My hands fisted in his shirt. I wanted to push him away and pull him in closer at the same time. “You mocked me.”

“I did.”

“You gave away my dress.”

“I did.”

“You ignored me!”

He took a deep breath, holding me closer. “I did.”

“Why?” I pounded my fists on his chest, “Why!”

“I thought it was a good idea at the time. I thought that it would make you admit it.”

“Admit what?”

“That you…” he trailed off. His clear green eyes searched mine. A secret laid just beyond them that he would not voice. “You and I have been playing this back and forth for years, Lost Girl. The other night when we were dancing I thought you were finally opening up to me and then you pushed me away again. I was sick of it. I thought that maybe if I could make you jealous then you’d realize what it was that you truly felt. You started avoiding me more though and I got desperate. I never meant to hurt you though. Never wanted to ignore you.”

“It’s not as simple as you want it to be, Peter.” I shoved him off, “It is not that easy for me to admit such things.”

“And you think it is at all easy for me? You think that I have ever felt this way about someone before? I haven’t! Not until you. Only if it’s you.” He said, “What makes it so hard for you?”

“Why do you think? I don’t want to let someone into my heart just for them to abandon me again. I can’t let myself trust someone like that again. They only end up hurting me.” I sobbed. “Just like papa did...just like you did.”

“My precious pearl,” Peter whispered, wiping the tears from my eyes with a tenderness that I craved, “Do you not remember what I promised you so long ago? I promised that you would never be alone again. I am not in the business of breaking my promises. If you were to have me, you would never lose me. Do you understand?”

“How can I be sure?”

“Because you are my Lost Girl.” He held tight to my uninjured hand, “From the moment I first saw you when you were only a pirate’s daughter, I vowed that you would be mine. Anyone or anything that tries to say otherwise will now have to get through me.”

“Yours?” A hope bubbled inside me. Peter smiled.

“Mine.” He closed the distance between us and kissed me. It sent a bolt of lightning straight up my spine. I touched a hand to his face and he held it there against his cheek. “Yours.”

“Mine.” I whispered with a smile as I kissed him once more. A promise passing between us that molded some of my shattered pieces back together. Never alone again.


	7. Shared Trauma

Peter and I sat on the beach tangled together. The soft kisses we had shared turning ravenous and hungry. Peter was barely giving me time to breathe before pressing his mouth back against mine. His hands never stopped either. They went from resting on my face to tangled in my hair gliding up and down my body. Pushing and pulling us closer until the heat between us was unbearable.

“Peter,” I gasped, finally catching moment to breathe. “I need to--” My words broke off into incoherency as he started lavishing kisses along my neck and jaw.

“I’m still mad at you for giving away my dress you know.” I was finally able to blurt out. He sucked hard on my pulse in response.

“Then I suppose I’ll have to make it up to you.” I could feel him grinning against my neck and continued his assault on my throat. Little whines escaped me and it only spurred him on more.

“By the stars, you’re fantastic,” He breathed out, peppering kisses down lower. Shucking my collar open to kiss along my collarbone and shoulder. “So warm, so soft, and all mine.”

_You’re so soft. Like a little kitten._ A hoarse voiced doused me in cold water like a tidal wave sweeping me out to sea. _Won’t you purr for me little kitten?_

“My pearl,” Peter gazed at me. I had gone stiff in his arms and my breathing was shallow and rapid. “What’s wrong?”

“I--I--” My body was shaking. I closed my eyes. Get out! Get out of my head!

Peter said my name, gently pulling me down to rest against him. Hushing me and banishing my worries away. “What’s wrong, my pearl? What’s gotten you so worked up? Was I being too forceful?”

“I--” The words were caught in my throat. I didn’t know how to describe it. Where the voice had even come from. Thankfully I was saved from having to explain at the appearance of Wendy Darling once again. The only time I looked upon her in thanks.

“So sorry to intrude,” She said, her gaze sweeping between Peter and I. “I was worried after the both of you left camp. The boys said I shouldn’t follow unless I wanted to see a grisly sight but it only spurred me on more. I couldn’t bear the thought that she should be punished for something so silly as being angry over a dress. I see now though I needn’t worry about anything.”

“Indeed,” Peter said, “We just needed to have a private conversation. Isn’t that right, swordfish?”

He sighed when I didn’t speak. Still caught up too much in my own mind. “It’s been a stressful night.” He said. “My pet needs some rest now.”

“Of course,” Wendy sat a pile of blue velvet down on the ground. “I brought this back. I know you told me to keep it but I just couldn’t knowing it was never mine to take.”

“She’s so perfect it’s retching.” I muttered which made Peter chuckle.

“Would you like me to get rid of her?” Peter whispered. I nodded. “Anything my Lost Girl wants.”

I watched out of the corner of my eye as Peter’s shadow swooped down from the darkness and grabbed hold of Wendy Darling. She shrieked as she was suddenly lifted off the ground.

“What--” she kicked trying to get free, “What’s going on?”

“Apologies Wendy but you were only here for one reason and that reason is now fulfilled,” Peter squeezed me tighter. I gazed up at Wendy and saw something akin to disgust cross her perfect porcelain face. “What I need now though is a boy. One of your brothers will do quite nicely.”

“No!” Wendy screamed, “Not my brothers!” She became wild. Flailing about trying to get free but the shadow never stirred.

“Take her back.” Peter ordered. The shadow took off into the night with Wendy in her nightgown screaming after them like an angry bird flying through the sky.

“Better?” Peter asked after she had disappeared.

“Yes,” The world felt lighter. I let out a yawn and rested my head on Peter’s shoulder. “Tired though.”

“You should get some rest then.” Peter gently pushed me off his lap.

“Peter,” I grabbed his hand to keep him from leaving, “Can you stay with me tonight? Just until I fall asleep.”

He nodded and joined me inside my hut. I laid down and Peter laid down next to me. The both of us laid there stiff as boards staring up at the ceiling of my hut. Finally I couldn’t take it anymore and turned on my side, wrapping my arms around him and pulling him close. Peter let out a sigh of relief and held me, smoothing my hair and humming in my ear. “Sleep now, precious.”

I did. I slept soundly. No dreams to plague me. No cold to chill me. Just Peter’s arms and his voice lulling me into peace. When I woke up the next morning he was still there. Face inches from mine. The world was so still around us. It was as if the island was waiting for its master to awaken before it did. I closed my eyes again and tucked my head under his chin.

I felt the soft press of lips to the top of my head. “Good morning, sleep well?” Peter’s voice was groggy and hushed.

“Very well,” I yawned, “You didn’t have to stay you know.”

“I had a pretty girl in my arms, I wasn’t about to leave that for a camp full of rowdy boys.” He chuckled low in his chest so that it rumbled against my cheek.

“I’m glad you stayed. Reminded me that what happened last night was real. It wasn’t just a dream.”

“Does that make me a dream come true, swordfish?” he teased.

“You’re bloody nightmare most of the time, to be honest. But you have your moments. Like last night and this morning isn’t too bad either. But I think I’m gonna continue to be pissed about how your grand plan to make me admit my feelings was to make me jealous. I am still pretty angry about that even if it did end up working out for you.”

“Good thing I have an eternity to make it up to you. Now that Wendy is gone I can focus all my attention on you.”

“Oh gods no,” I groaned, “I’m never gonna get you to leave me alone now, aren’t I?”

“Afraid not, swordfish. But if you truly want me to leave you alone then I’ll be on my way.” He moved to sit up but I grabbed him and pulled him back down. “Now who’s the clingy one?”

“Shut up.” I kissed his cheek, “I want to stay in the bubble a little longer.”

Peter and I didn’t move from my camp all day. None of the boys came across us which was nice. Judging by what Wendy said last night it sounded like the boys thought Peter had taken me away to maim me. Maybe they were avoiding this part of the beach so they didn’t have to see the ghastly sight of my mutilated body. Or maybe it was Peter’s magic that kept anyone from coming near us. Either way it was nice to just have this part of the island to ourselves. No places to be and nothing or no one to worry about.

Peter changed my dress back but I had lost my appeal for it after Wendy wore it. It looked as if it had been made for her when she had it on. “Then I suppose I should make it more suiting to your tastes. Pretty as this may be it doesn’t very much reflect you.”

“That’s kinda the point. It’s meant to be pretty.”

“And you are beautiful. It should be equally as beautiful.” He stood up and unfurled the dress. In a flash of green light my blue dress was gone replaced with one of blood red. “Well go on, try it on.”

I took the dress and ducked into my hut, drawing the little curtain in front of the doorway for privacy. “You better not peek!”

“No fun at all,” he muttered but complied. The dress was velvet as before but the lace was gone as well as the puffed sleeves. The straps hung off my shoulders leaving them bare. The only problem was that the back of the dress now had buttons and I was finding it extremely difficult to get them buttoned by myself.

I struggled for a few more minutes trying to get them but my fingers slipped off them as I couldn’t see what I was doing nor could my hands reach all of them. With a small sigh I exited the hut. Peter waited on the other side and his face lit up as he took me in. “Why such a dour face? I thought you’d like it.”

“I can’t get the back buttoned up,” I turned around, “Could you…”

“Of course,” He started slipping the buttons into the eyelets. When he was halfway up he planted a kiss between my shoulder blades that made my insides melt. He finished buttoning it and turned me around. “Perfect,”

I smoothed my hands along the skirt. “Now all I’m missing is a crown.” I joked. “It really is beautiful, Peter. Thank you.”

“Trust me, this is all for my viewing pleasure.” His gaze raked me up and down. “Now maybe I can finish that dance we started long ago.”

“I’d like that.” We fell into our dance and I laughed as Peter spun me around along the sand.

As night fell I knew that we couldn’t stay here forever. The boys were most likely wondering where Peter was and sooner or later would grow restless without him. Still I did not wish to let him go. I watched him disappear back into the jungle and sat down with a dreamy sigh. It had been a good day.

Out in the distance I noticed a speck of black moving across the dark blue sky. Peter’s shadow had returned and it had someone with him. My body tensed. I almost forgot that Peter had sent it back to take one of Wendy Darling’s brothers. The boy in its grasp struggled and fought until the shadow lost its grip and let the boy go. Down the boy plunged from the sky and into the water below.

Well that was a shame. Hope he can swim. I watched as the body flailed about in the water for a few minutes as they tried to make their way to shore. It wasn’t like they were all that far out. They could easily swim back. Then again they might not be a strong swimmer and the mermaids are another thing to worry about. Did they really deserve to die because they got scared? The shadow was swooping around in the air above the boy not bothering to get close again.

Damn me and my bleeding heart. I whistled and I could see the shadow’s bright eyes turn to me. I waved it over and is sped towards the shore. I could never quite get used to Peter’s shadow. It was an extension of himself so I hoped maybe it would listen to me. “Go pick up the boy,” I told it, “I know you can hold him. You dropped him in the water on purpose.”

The shadow got right in my face trying to intimidate me. I wasn’t its master. “I said, go!” I pointed out to the sea, “Do you think Peter will be happy that you let his newest recruit drown? Now fetch him!”

The shadow circled around me like a tornado before darting off back across the sea and grabbing the struggling boy. It dropped him unceremoniously on the ground by my camp and with another scathing look zipped off to its hollow. The boy was sputtering and coughing next to me.

“Pull yourself together, kid,” I nudged him lightly with my foot, “It was just a little dunk in the ocean, you’re fine.”

“Easy for you to say,” he fell into another fit of coughing, “It wasn’t you.”

“Please, I’ve fallen overboard plenty of times and in much rougher seas. Your little drop is nothing to be falling apart over.” I grabbed the back of his collar and hauled him up. “Now come on, we don’t have all night.”

“Get off me!” He shoved me away. “I’m not going anywhere with you!”

“Fine, get hunted down by Lost Boys. See if I care. If you go in that jungle you’re gonna get lost and end up killing yourself which I don’t think you want.”

“I’m resourceful,”

“Maybe where you’re from but this is Neverland. It’s a different kind of dangerous. So, you can either come with me or die.”

“What if I just stay here on the beach? You look like you’re not supposed to be here either or else you’d be with these Lost Boys you were talking about. Or is it that you’re not welcome cause you’re a girl?”

“That’s not it. I just don’t want to stay in a camp full of a bunch of loud, idiot boys. Reminds me too much of a place I left. You could stay on the beach, it is a lot safer, but I don’t think that’s much of an option for you.”

“Why?”

“Because Peter can sense when someone has either entered or left the realm. He already knows you’re here and he’ll come looking for you. If you don’t want to be caught by him then the beach is too open. So again, your options are be hunted down or try to hide in the jungle where you will surely die by walking through a thicket of dreamshade. Your choice.”

“Who are you?”

“Who I am is irrelevant. Who are you?”

“Baelfire.” He answered.

“Hm,” I sat down and patted the sand next to me. “Sit Baelfire. It’ll be a while yet before Peter comes this way. Tell me about yourself.”

“I don’t think I should. You’re obviously not to be trusted.”

“Why? Because I’m telling you that your plans to run and hide are pointless? I’m only telling you from personal experience. I spent months trying to get off this island and avoid its inhabitants but it’s useless. Okay? There’s only one way out and I don’t think Peter is going to give that to you.”

“Peter Pan?” Baelfire asked.

“So you’ve heard of him. Did your sister tell you his name? Your perfect Wendy Darling?”

“She’s not my sister. She’s a friend. One who let me into her home when I had none.” Baelfire stared into the fire I had lit. “I left in her brother’s stead.”

“Ugh, you’re as annoyingly perfect as her.” I rolled my eyes.

“And no, I already know who that demon is. I met him a long time ago.”

“You did? Was it back when he was still doing his Pied Piper routine? I was still on the ship during those days but he told me about what he did. Now that I mention it, Peter did talk of a boy he wanted from back in those days. The son of someone powerful named Rumplestiltskin, better known as the Dark One. That wouldn’t happen to be you, would it?”

Baelfire remained silent. His body was tense as if he was ready to jump up and run at a moment’s notice.

“So you are,” A small snarl crackled in my throat. The Dark One, I don’t remember ever meeting him but I know that my father had a run in with him. I think the Dark One had killed my mother. I know he was the one that cut off my father’s hand. At least the man did one thing worthwhile.

“You have a grudge against my father as well?” Baelfire asked.

“Pretty sure he killed my mother and cut off my father’s hand.” I told him, “One thing I should hate him for and the other I should thank him for.”

“Do I want to know which is which?”

“If it was me I would have sliced out his heart instead of just his hand.”

“Seems we both have complicated father issues.”

“At least your father didn’t trade you away for freedom with absolutely no remorse.”

“You’d be surprised.” Baelfire gazed at me, “Papa chose his power over me and left me to fend for myself in a new world. That’s when the Darling’s took me in. So I can relate better than you think.”

“Fathers are the worst aren’t they?”

“They are.”

We shared a knowing look. It was the look of a pair of people who shared trauma. Betrayed by those that were supposed to protect us. Left to our own devices in a world we knew nothing about. It was uncomfortable how alike we were.

“I am going to regret this,” I huffed, “But you can stay here with me at my camp. It’s safe and the Lost Boys don’t come here. Peter will be by but you won’t have to go with him if I talk to him first. I promise.”

“Why the sudden charity?”

“Because you’ve obviously gone through a lot of shit and I’m in a really good mood. Tomorrow you’ll be on your own but the jungle is much less hazardous to trek in the day. You said you were resourceful and I believe you. You’ll find a place to hunker down just fine.”

“Thank you,”

“Don’t thank me yet. Peter still knows you’re here and I said I may be able to talk to him but that’s only considering that he’s in a good mood as well.”

“How right you are, Lost Girl.” Peter strode out of the jungle with the Lost Boys behind him. “But I’m afraid you miscalculated.”

“Peter--” I said but he held up a hand silencing me.

“I’ve waited a long time for this one,” Peter grinned devilishly, “You’re coming back to camp, Baelfire.”

“Over my dead body.” Baelfire spat at him.

“Boys! Enough!” I stood up between them. “I know you two have history but this isn’t a public affair. Send the boys back to camp.”

“You don’t give the order around here, spitfire.” he leaned in closer to whisper in my ear, “I think our day together made you forget who rules this island.”

“Well if you want me to keep being sweet on you then you’ll do as I say. Or else you’ll never get a taste of these lips or anything else ever again.” I whispered back.

“Big threats coming from the girl who practically begged me not to leave barely an hour ago.”

“But I can hold a grudge and I have no problem being by myself for days on end. You know that much.” I retorted. “Choose wisely, my dear.”

“Nasty girl,” Peter chuckled, “Seems you’ve cornered me this time.”

Peter stepped away and turned to the boys, ordering them to return to camp. Peter’s second in command was the only one who stayed. As easily as it was for Peter to get rid of the other boys it was much harder for him to excuse someone as loyal as Felix so I didn’t push it.

“He’s coming back to camp.” Peter said.

“No, he’s not. Not tonight at least.”

“Careful what you say, spitfire. My leniency only goes so far.”

“Twenty four hours,” I said, “You give him a twenty four hour period in which he can run and hide and only then can you and your boys go hunting for him. If you capture him then you can do what you want with him. Sound fair enough?”

“Now hold on!” Baelfire tried to cut in.

“Baelfire, I wouldn’t try that if I were you.” Peter glared at the boy, “So far her offer is sounding appealing and it is much more than you deserve. Are you trying to talk me out of it?”

Baelfire retreated, knowing it was pointless to try and argue for more. “Smart move,” Peter turned back to me, “This will be a new game for me and my boys to play. A few rules so everything’s fair. Rule number one, you can’t cover for him. He’s a big boy, he doesn’t need to go hiding behind your skirts. That also includes showing him around the island or giving him ideas on where to hide. Rule number two, if we do find him then you can’t object to any way that I treat him after he’s with us. Sound reasonable?”

“About as reasonable as I’m gonna get with you.” I sighed. “Fine.”

Peter nodded to Felix and the tall boy strode back into the jungle. Peter glanced at Baelfire then back at me. He looped an arm around me and steered me further away. “You’re coming back to camp with me.”

“What? Why?”

“I don’t want him near you tonight. You’re staying with me.”

“He’s not gonna hurt me. I can take care of myself just fine, remember?” I patted the sword at my hip.

“Don’t care. You’re staying with me.” He growled, and tried to drag me with him.

“Hold on,” I stayed rooted in my spot, “Is it at all possible that you’re jealous?”

“What are you talking about? Of all the ridiculous--”

“You are! You’re not worried about Baelfire hurting me. You’re worried that he might like me.”

“I am not jealous. I don’t get jealous. I know there’s no way you’d choose an unworthy worm like him over me.”

“Spoken like a true jealous boy.”

“I am not!” Peter seethed. “I just don’t like the idea of him being so close to you while you’re sleeping. He may not be much but that doesn’t mean he won’t try to--”

“Peter,” I touched his face, “Look at me. Everything will be fine. You have nothing to worry about and you certainly have nothing to be jealous over. Understand?

“If that were true then why were you being so kind to him then? You’ve never been close to any of the Lost Boys before. Why this stranger?”

“I wouldn’t exactly call it kind. I’m just empathetic. We have shared trauma.” I shrugged, “Betrayed by horrible fathers and all that. I see a little bit of myself in him.”

“When you say stuff like that it doesn’t exactly put me at ease.”

“Does it make you feel better if I say that I don’t find him attractive at all? He may be cute in a boyish way but you are the only one I’d ever let kiss me. Only one I’d ever want to touch me. The only one I know that can make me buckle at the knees with a single smile.”

“Damn right,” He pressed his forehead to mine. “I trust you. If he does try anything though I’m not playing any games and will kill him on sight.”

“It won’t end like that but I appreciate the sentiment.” I walked back over to my camp. Baelfire sat tracing his finger in the sand. “Twenty four hours, Peter. Starting now. No touching him until then.”

“Yes, yes,” Peter rolled his eyes. He looked at Baelfire. “Be glad my Lost Girl was here. Your fate could have ended quite differently.”

Baelfire scowled.

“And as for you,” Peter held me firm and kissed me hard. I forgot myself for a moment and let him continue on devouring me before he pulled back. A smug smile on his face, “Good night, spitfire.”

“Yeah, good night.” I watched him leave and turned around to face my audience.

Baelfire’s face glowed red in the firelight, “So when you said that you could talk to Pan…”

“It’s a recent development.” That was all the more that was said on the issue. We stayed up for a while longer as I gave him a few tips about trekking the jungle. The only time I’d be allowed to do so after tonight. Stay away from dreamshade thickets, don’t eat the blue colored berries, there is a section of the jungle that is just as dangerous in the day that is at night. Make sure you do not get caught stuck there or else it will be your demise.

Finally my eyes were growing heavy and I knew Baelfire needed to get to sleep too. He would need his energy for tomorrow when Peter’s game began.

An old song from long ago quietly echoing in my head. A stubbly smile gleaming down on me as he sang.

_My young love said to me, ‘My mother won't mind and my father won't slight you for your lack of kind. And she stepped away from me, and this she did say, ‘It will not be long love till our wedding day.’_

It was no surprise that I woke up crying.


	8. Treetop Secrets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **////Trigger Warning////** : Discussion of past non-con/rape treatment that may be upsetting to read about. It is short and not horribly descriptive in any way but it is there and you should be informed about it.

Baelfire proved to be a more than worthy adversary to Peter and his boys. It had been several weeks since Baelfire had run into the jungle and hid. I know that if Peter truly wanted to find him then he could rather easily but he was enjoying this game with Bae far too much to do something like cheat. I had not seen much of Bae ever since that night we spent at my camp. I would accidentally come upon him in the jungle gathering water or food on occasion and there were some mornings where he would come visit me at my camp, desperate for someone to talk to. I understood the need well. He never stayed for long though. Just enough to keep himself sane before he left again.

If Peter knew that Bae came to see me he never said anything about it. Scowl and mutter to himself when he saw two apple cores lying in the sand, yes, but he never did ask. Never accused. He knew I was obeying his rules. I never went out seeking Baelfire but there was no rule that he couldn’t come to me. I was also under no obligation to detain him for Peter.

An interesting change was how much more attentive Peter got once Baelfire arrived. Before he would stop by frequently to see me everyday, other days he would be busier and would only be able to come by in the evenings when the island was laid to rest. But now he was practically glued to my side. I always knew to expect him around noon and we would stay together for hours on end together. He would disappear for an a hour or so then be back to spend the rest of the day with me. He would come every night and sit with me by the fire until I began to nod off.

Our visits consisted mostly of talking while we hiked through the jungle or lying against one another at my camp watching the waves as Peter performed small tricks of magic and I sang half forgotten lyrics of songs from long ago.

Then of course there was the kissing. Like a lot of kissing. Probably too much kissing to be honest but it couldn’t be helped. It was safe to assume that if we weren’t talking or hiking or fighting his lips were attached to mine. It was an experience more intoxicating than rum and we were determined to get drunk on one another.

On more than one occasion I felt something between us. I don’t mean that metaphorically either. His little “pan flute” would pop up between our bodies and Peter would subsequently get flustered about it. Pulling it away so it couldn’t touch me. It was rather cute. Peter didn’t think so but I liked that he didn’t want his hormones to make me uncomfortable. Especially after the first time it happened and I got so frightened at the sudden poke to my thigh that I shoved him away from me with such force he almost went rolling back into my fire pit.

His face went red and he desperately tried pulling down his tunic to hide the erection straining against his pants. In the moment after I laughed it off and teased him about it but my heart was still hammering hard in my chest. I dug my hands deep in the sand so he couldn’t see them shaking. Specks of warm arousal poking through waves of cold dread. It was confusing to say the least. Peter never asked me to elaborate about why I had pushed him away so harshly for something fairly innocuous. Maybe it was because he was embarrassed for the first time ever and didn’t want to dwell on it. Either way it was never discussed.

Until the night Peter went missing.

It was a night like any other. I lit a fire, ate my dinner and quietly sang songs as I walked along the shallows of the beach. There was one stark difference though. Peter wasn’t here. He always showed up around this time but tonight he was late. Very late.

I told myself it didn’t matter. Peter doesn’t have to come see me every single night. I spent many a night without Peter at my side. His absence was nothing new and I could cope fine without him for an evening. But still it worried me. Earlier that day he was with me when suddenly he had just gotten up and run off with barely a word of goodbye. He never returned and I was starting to get worried.

What if something bad happened to him? What if he was hurt and couldn’t get back to camp? I knew it was ridiculous to think about. Nothing bad could happen to Peter on Neverland. If I knew that then why did these thoughts continue to plague me? Should I go looking for him? Maybe I should stop by the camp just to make sure. Yes. That sounds perfectly reasonable. Peter is always asking me to come back to camp with him. Perhaps this is just one of his ploys to get me to comply. If it meant knowing that he was safe rather than dying of dreamshade in some ditch then I would indulge his games.

I hurriedly walked through the jungle towards camp. Relief came to me when I saw the flames of the large bonfire shining through the trees. I entered, waving to the boys as I passed. I searched their faces for Peter but didn’t see him.

“Hey Felix,” I approached the tall Lost Boy, “Do you know where Peter is?”

“He’s not with you?” Felix said, brow furrowing.

“No. He ran off earlier this afternoon and I haven’t seen him since. I figured he was here.”

“I haven’t seen him since this morning. I thought he was spending all day with you...again.” Felix scowled at me.

“Now’s not the time for your petty jealousy, we have a much bigger issue at hand. If Peter isn’t with me and he isn’t at camp, then where could he be?”

“Maybe he left the island. He doesn’t do it as much now but it wouldn’t be unheard of.”

“All the more reason I’m worried. He doesn’t leave the island unless it is for a very good reason. You don’t think this has anything to do with Baelfire, do you?”

“Possibly. No way to know for certain.”

“Should we be worried?”

“I don’t think so. Pan just disappears sometimes. He's never away long and does come back eventually.”

“I know you’re right but there is something about this whole thing that doesn’t sit right with me.” I crossed my arms, “I’m going to go look for him. If anything, searching will at least put my mind at ease.”

“Do what you want. But I’m telling you that you’re worried over nothing.”

I grabbed a lantern from the camp and made my way out into the jungle. I called Peter’s name with no response. I liked to think that I knew the jungle pretty well but there was a reason I made my camp on the beach. The jungle unnerved me slightly and it was only made worse at night. I know that if I became lost I could realistically find my way back to familiar territory in an hour or two. At night though every tree, every path, looked the same. It felt like I could walk in circles for hours.

I listened for a noise. For the music of his pipes to guide me to him but the night air was frustratingly quiet. More time passed and I was growing weary. It had to be very late now and I still had no idea where Peter was. He probably was off the island somewhere and would be back in the morning like Felix said. I should go back to my camp and go to bed. I should...but I didn’t.

I rested against the large trunk of a tree to gather my bearings. “Where are you?” I whispered to the air.

Then, like an answer to a prayer I heard something. It was faint but it was there. A soft sound far above me. I squinted up at the tree and strained my ears to listen. Whatever that noise was it was coming from up there. Reason told me it was a bird or leaves but I couldn’t leave it alone. I set the lantern down on the ground and heaved myself up into the large branches of the tree. It wasn’t like the other trees around the island. Those were all tall, thin and tropical with smooth trunks. This however looked like a large oak tree. Rough bark and twisted branches stretching higher and higher into the air. What was a tree like this doing here?

I continued to climb and subsequently the noise I had heard became louder. I was convinced it wasn’t a bird now. It sounded like a person. I broke through the foliage and found a small treehouse extended on the large bough. Could this be where Baelfire had hidden himself away? If it was then I had to commend him. Building a treehouse up this high was no easy feat. That just reminds me, I should go talk to Tinkerbell one of these days and catch up.

I carefully stepped closer to the treehouse and peered in through the crack of the door. The figure of a boy was hunched over in a tight ball. Quiet sobs shook his shoulders. I pulled the door open more to get a better look and was betrayed by the loud creak that accompanied it. I froze as the figure on the ground stopped crying at once and his head rose. He turned around and I was faced with a sight I never thought I would see.

Peter Pan, my Peter Pan, was on the ground of this treehouse with noticeable tear tracks trailing down his cheeks and his eyes were puffed from crying. He gazed at me in shock but there was a feeling of shame with it. Before I could say anything he waved his hand and the door slammed shut in my face.

“Peter,” I knocked on the door, “Peter please, open up.”

“Go away. I’m in no mood.” His voice was quiet.

“I’ve been looking for you all night. You had me worried.” I sighed, resting my head against the door, “Please, talk to me.”

“I said to go away!” There was more bite to his words this time.

“I’m not going anywhere. I can’t now. Not after what I saw.”

“You saw nothing.”

“You can lie to yourself but not me. I know you too well.” A pause. “Please Peter, you’re scaring me. I just want to make sure that you’re alright. If something is going on then I want you to tell me. I want to be there for you like you’ve always been there for me. Please!”

“You can’t help this.”

“But I can listen. I can hold you while you unload your worries...dry your tears. You need not hide them from me. I’ve already seen them now.”

“Why won’t you just leave?”

“Because I care about you and I’m stubborn.”

The door creaked open and Peter stood on the other side. He looked more composed now but there was still an undeniable air of sadness surrounding him. I walked into him and held him in my arms. He buried his face in my neck.

“I’m scared,” he whispered after several minutes of silence, “I’m terrified, precious.”

“Why? What are you scared of?” I asked.

“I’m dying. I’m dying faster and faster and it feels like I can’t stop it.”

My heart stopped. My grip on him becoming tighter. “What do you mean? What makes you think you’re dying?”

He sighed and gazed down at me. “Come, sit down.” He moved us to a small wooden bed that stood in the corner. “There’s one story I have yet to tell you.”

I sat patiently while Peter explained why he had been so scared tonight. Apparently there is an hourglass on Skull Rock that counts down Peter’s life. For many years it had sat stagnant as was expected on an island where nothing ages. Then one day the sand started to trickle out. It was hardly noticeable at first. A grain of sand a day if that. Then slowly over time it was getting faster and faster.

Peter was shaking again by the end of his tale. I held him in my arms until the shaking stopped. It gave me plenty of time to think about what he had said too.

“Peter,” I whispered, my voice choked with emotion, “Why did you never tell me? It pains me to think that you’ve been holding all this in by yourself.”

“I didn’t want to worry you,” His voice was hoarse from the sobs he refused to let free, “If you knew that there was a timer on my you would be so worried all the time. I didn’t want to put that burden on you.”

“Better to share a burden than let one person break under it.” I told him. “Is there anything we can do to fix this? I mean, there has to be a way.”

“There is.” Peter sighed, “Do you ever wonder why there are only Lost Boys and no Lost Girls?”

“Sexism?”

“Cute, precious, but no. The reason I only bring boys to the island it because I am looking for something very rare. The Heart of the Truest Believer. I received information that the heart belongs to a boy and I’ve been searching for him ever since. But he is proving difficult to locate.”

“This afternoon when I left you I went to check on the hourglass. I had felt something shift in the air around me and knew something had to be wrong,” Peter continued, “When I saw the hourglass it was so much lower than the last time I checked. I’m running out of time and it feels like I can’t do anything about it because I can’t find this blasted boy!”

Peter shot off the bed, pacing the small length of the room and running his hands through his hair. “I came up here for some privacy to calm down and wallow in peace. I never meant to scare you. I am just going through a very difficult time right now.”

“Peter,” I stood in front of him to stop his pacing. I grabbed his hands and kissed the backs of his knuckles. “Everything is going to be alright. We’ll find the heart and we’ll cure you. I promise.”

I kissed his cheek. “I promise.” I kissed his other cheek. “I promise.”

He placed his hands on my waist and pressed his lips to mine in a soft, needy kiss. I was trying to reassure him with slow and meaningful kisses but he wanted more. Needed more. The loving embrace taking a turn for heat and pleasure as his mouth ravished mine. I didn’t mind. He needed to express the tornado of emotions and I was more than willing to help him withstand the storm.

His hands glided up from my waist into my hair. We stumbled back so I was pressed against the treehouse wall as he kissed me desperately. My heart fluttered wildly in my chest as his lips left mine to nuzzle and suck on my neck. Warmth spread through my chest.

“Want you.” Peter’s voice whispered like a plea in my ear, “Need you so badly, my pearl.”

Peter’s hands were all over me. It was like he couldn’t figure out where to keep them so he put them everywhere. Reaching around me to grab handfuls of my ass or running up and down my sides before catching in my hair again. At one point I felt his hands glide under my shirt. The sensation was tingly but pleasant and I didn’t try to stop him as his hands got higher.

He laid us back on the bed and a giggle escaped my mouth as his hands tickled along my ribcage. The air around us was sweltering and I couldn’t seem to catch my breath. I tentatively ran my fingers along the hem of his tunic. Peter groaned slightly when I swallowed back my nerves and ran my hands up under his tunic along his bare skin.

I searched his eyes and with a small nod he removed the shirt. It really wasn’t anything that I hadn’t seen before but then again we hadn’t been close like this when he shirtless then. He sat back for a moment basking in the attention as I mapped his torso with my hands. He was back on me kissing me harder and pulling me tighter against him.

“You feel all warm and soft,” He murmured against my neck, “Soft as a kitten.”

_You’re so soft. Like a little kitten._

No. No, he can’t ruin this.

_Won’t you purr for me little kitten?_

No!

“Stop.” I pushed Peter away. Peter stopped at once, leaning away to put space between us. I readjusted my clothes with shaking hands. “I’m sorry. It’s not that I don’t want to but I...I…”

“You’re nervous.” he said, brushing a hand through my hair in a soothing motion. “If I may confide, I am nervous too.”

“You?”

“Yes.” He sighed, “It may surprise you since I am such a catch but I’ve never been involved with a girl like this before. I never saw much of a point in it before you. But I do care for you and if given the chance I would love nothing more than to please you, my pearl.”

“Peter,” I laced my fingers through his. It was the only thing keeping me tethered to the room in that moment. “I am grateful but you must know that it isn’t just nerves that keeps me from being intimate with you.”

“What does then?” He asked.

“You would not be my first.” I whispered and watched as the realization and subsequent jealousy flared in his eyes, “It was a long time ago before I came to Neverland. A pirate from another ship when we made port. He was handsome and older and we got along well. A bottle of rum later and we went out back behind a tavern.”

“I see.” Peter was trying to remain calm but I could see the jealous rage in his eyes.

“I don’t think you do. What happened between us was unpleasant to say the least.” I said and Peter’s brow knit in confusion, “It was exciting at first but the actual act was uncomfortable and even painful and when he had finished he left and I was sat there alone on the dirty ground. I was bleeding and scared because I had no form of contraception. A couple of prostitutes spotted me crying and took me to the apothecary to make sure I didn’t end up pregnant. After that I went back to the ship and never told anyone.”

“He forced himself on you?” Peter barked, murder in his eyes. I could hear the distant roar of thunder rolling in with his rage.

“No. I don’t think so at least. Details are fuzzy but I remember that I wanted to do it and up until a point I was enjoying myself but he had not been gentle with me and didn’t seem at all concerned that I received no pleasure from our interaction.” I gripped his hand tighter. As much as I forgot of my old life, this one memory forever haunted my mind. I think it was the only time I was truly and utterly terrified. “I was more scared when I looked down and saw the blood mixed with something else on my thighs. Can we please stop talking about it now. It’s humiliating and unpleasant to think about.”

The anger bled out of him replaced with pained eyes and a soft voice, “Of course, my pearl, of course.” He kissed the crown of my head. “I am so sorry you had to go through that. You deserved so much better than to be used by some slimy pirate. I would banish the memory of him and his cruel treatment of you from your mind forever.”

“Please, make it go away.” I pleaded, “I don’t want to remember him. I don’t want to remember what happened.” The smell of rum between us, the way he pinned me against a wall, little pinpoints of pleasure through the discomfort, and the words he spoke in my ear. It wasn’t a lot but it was enough to make me tremble.

“Shh,” Peter pulled his tunic back on before pulling me back into his arms. “It’s alright, my pearl. It’s just a bad dream now. He can never hurt you again and I would never let him. Everything will be alright.”

“Why does the pain always remain? Why can’t I remember anything happy?”

“Because pain leaves scars.” Peter whispered, he pressed a hand to my head. “Go to sleep. We could both use the rest.”

“Peter…” I yawned as my eyes grew heavy and I started to fall under his sleeping spell.

“Hush now,” His voice sounded farther away. Whether it was the start of a dream or not I could not tell. “I’m watching over you, my love.”


End file.
